


smashing mirrors

by DJBunn3



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Crying, Denial, Emotional Baggage, Festivals, Fights, Friendship, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Iwatobi Matsuoka Rin, M/M, Photographs, Repressed Memories, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-10-12 10:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17465918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJBunn3/pseuds/DJBunn3
Summary: Bad luck comes in threes, Haruka’s grandmother used to say.And good luck? It comes in threes, too. Luck is funny that way.As Haruka sits on the clean, white bed in the clean, white infirmary, he ticks off the past few events in his head. One, the reappearance of Rin, and his transfer to Iwatobi High School. Two, the fire that had taken his home away, and had almost taken him with it. He wonders distantly when the third disaster will come, how it could possibly top the first two.He finds that he doesn’t want to know the answer.(in which rin is back, and haruka is very, very unlucky.)





	1. May

Haruka spends the break thinking about Rin leaving.

There’s something inside him that’s glad he’s gone; Rin left in a flurry of flame and spark that burned everyone he’d ever been close to, everyone he’d ever touched. He’d left screaming, he’d left hurting them, and he’d done it on purpose.

Haruka still thinks about the things he’d said. About being called out in front of everybody, about listening to everything he’d ever said to Rin being twisted into something sharp and mean and disgusting, about what he hadn’t said in return. He spends the break thinking about all of it until it makes him sick.

Then he locks it away behind a door in the back of his head that he swears, he will never touch again.

* * *

Five years later, he’s successfully kept his promise to himself. A second year in high school now, part of a swim club four strong, without trace of the burns. He’s moved on; he’s forgotten the door, forgotten the words, forgotten how much it hurt when Rin left.

Makoto tries to bring it up at first, almost exactly every three months. He tries to get Haruka to open up, talk about it, because “He was closest to you, out of all of us. He hurt you the most.”

Makoto hates Rin for what he’d done to them. To Haruka, specifically. He doesn’t say it, not really, but it’s evident and it stares Haruka in the face, sometimes. Makoto doesn’t hate _anybody_ , not even his old ex or the teacher who yelled at him in middle school for being too nice. But he loathes Rin in a quiet, unsuspecting way that almost feels wrong. They were friends once. They laughed together, swam together, spent all of their time together. They were as close as could be.

Nagisa doesn’t hate Rin, Haruka thinks. No, Nagisa could never hate Rin. He had idolized him, put him on a pedestal that had only grown taller and bigger and brighter the longer they’d known each other. Sometimes it seems as if Nagisa doesn’t quite believe what had happened between them, as if it had all been a dream of his that he’d woken up from the very next day. But he knows better than to bring Rin up in front of Makoto, or worse, Haruka. He’s learned his lesson from the time he’d asked why none of them had ever written Rin after he’d left and Makoto had hit the table so hard it had almost tipped sideways.

So nobody talks, nobody brings him up, and things start to move on. Haruka and Makoto go through middle school, meet up with Nagisa in high school, recruit one Ryuugazaki Rei for their swimming team. The team is Nagisa’s idea, of course, but he has no trouble roping Makoto into it, and Haruka finds himself dragged along as well, despite his absolute apathy towards competitions and times and trophies and everything most athletes spend their whole lives working towards. It’s not like any of them need to practice--they’ve had plenty of time to do that in the years past.

“Haru-chan is still so graceful!” Nagisa chirps as he watches Haruka swim in the newly refurbished pool. Makoto agrees with a chuckle, and Haruka tries not to think about just why he’s kept in such good shape ever since his last year in elementary.

Tries not to think about the hours he’d spent swimming laps at the Iwatobi Swim Club, working himself ragged until he was too tired, too worn out to think about Rin and his betrayals. And he succeeds in blocking out those thoughts.

But it wasn’t always this way.

The months after Rin leaves, Haruka throws himself into his swimming. He spends his days at the community pool, floating in the water and letting himself go in memories and in feelings. He remembers Rin, he remembers their conversations, their laughter, their memories. He makes himself sick thinking about everything he’s lost, everything that’s been taken away from him. (Everything that _Rin_ had taken away from him.) He never cries, not because he isn’t sad, but because he can’t. He even tries once, in front of his mirror, replaying the conversation in his head over and over until he can’t bear to think it anymore. But despite everything he’s been through, everything he’s lost, he can’t shed a single tear. He doesn’t have the strength.

So instead he swims. He trains hard, every day after school and on the weekends, too. It’s easier to sleep at night once he’s tired himself out to the point of collapsing, he finds. He lets the water envelop him the way children do with blankets on cold winter nights, lets himself go numb to the pain stabbing at his chest like needles and like knives, and he doesn’t speak of Rin. He doesn’t let Makoto cajole him into talking about his feelings, because if he talks about it that means he has to feel it, and that’s about the last thing he wants to do. He doesn’t let Nagisa ask him why he’s become so silent, so closed off after Rin leaves. He doesn’t tell his parents about any of it, and eventually they stop asking.

It’s almost as if Rin has been completely erased from Haruka’s life. He can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not, and eventually he learns to stop wondering.

* * *

“Do you want to hang out after practice?” Makoto asks as they head to the changing rooms. They’re at Samezuka’s pool today as part of their semi-regular joint practices, since Iwatobi’s swim club doesn’t have enough members to properly train for events. Makoto sets it up every few weeks since he’s essentially the team’s manager, and even though Haruka will complain that it’s too far away to travel when they have a perfectly good ocean right there in Iwatobi, he enjoys making use of the huge indoor pool.

“Maybe,” he says with a noncommittal shrug, pulling his goggles from the top of his head. “I thought you told Nagisa you had plans.”

“I do,” Makoto tells him, and if Haruka isn’t mistaken, there’s a hint of hesitance in his voice. “I was hoping you’d come along.”

“Come where?” Haruka half asks, half sighs. He doesn’t want to tag along with Makoto’s other friends, or have dinner with his parents, or babysit Ren and Ran. He’s _tired_ , from the joint practice, but also from the strain of life dragging him down. He doesn’t have the energy. Lately he hasn’t had much energy to do anything besides swimming and the bare minimum of school work required to pass.

“It’s…” Makoto says, voice betraying his nerves immediately. “I, um. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but. Um.”

Haruka scrubs a towel over his hair, waiting for Makoto to spit it out. He hears the distant chatter of voices from outside, the remaining members of the Samezuka swim club finishing their last laps and padding towards the changing rooms. Soon it will be too loud to hear Makoto’s voice.

“What is it?” Haruka asks, letting the towel fall and settle around his neck. When Makoto fails to answer once again, he turns, eyebrow raised, waiting for his friend to speak.

“It’s Gou,” Makoto says at last, his tone cautious. “I know you don’t want anything to do with… _that_ … anymore, but she called me last night. She said she wants to talk to us about something important.”

Haruka feels his stomach sour, and his throat starts to close up at the thought of _his_ sister, the one he’d given the cold shoulder to many times over the past few years for his own peace of mind. Gou is the one connection to _him_ that he hasn’t been able to rid himself of, no matter how hard he tries to pretend that she’s just another student at Iwatobi. Her hair, long and wine red, never fails to catch his attention, and her eyes, bright and clear and just a hint too round keep him on his toes, ready to make a hasty retreat from the room whenever they come into view. (Because as much as he knows she doesn’t mean to, she can’t help but remind him of a different head of red hair, a different pair of sharp, bright eyes.) She is the only thing he hasn’t been able to erase.

“Oh,” he says, voice hollow. What else is he supposed to say? How is he supposed to react?

“I think,” Makoto continues, and at this his jaw clenches tight, “that she wants to talk about Rin.”

Haruka turns away. Grips the edge of one of the sinks, stares down into the basin. His fingers wrap around the cool white sides, hold on like clamps to keep himself grounded. Something in the back of his mind shudders, pulses, trying to escape the room he’d locked it in, but he grits his teeth and pushes it back. He won’t think about that again, won’t subject himself to the pain, the anger and the frustration and the numb, hollow sadness.

“Haru-chan,” Makoto says, and suddenly Haruka feels a hand come to rest on his shoulder, tugging gently for him to turn around. He shrugs it off, perhaps a bit harsher than he intended to, but he can’t worry about that now.

“You go,” he snaps, letting his hair fall in front of his face. He doesn’t- He thought that Makoto _understood_ , that he _knew better_ than to bring it up. He never should have agreed to meet with Gou, never should have asked Haruka to come. He should have ignored it, just like they’ve all learned to do.

“Haru…” Makoto tries, his voice soft, pleading. “Don’t you think that whatever she might want to say could be important?”

“I don’t care what she has to say,” Haruka retorts, his shoulders hunching. “You go.”

 _Drop it,_ he thinks, feeling the something in the back of his mind shiver and pulse again. He sees a flash of red in his mind’s eye, hears the faint sound of a voice from a memory faded with age, and it’s all too close, all too much. Anger flashes through him, hot and defensive, like fire in his veins, and the walls are starting to close in, and his breathing is beginning to speed up, and-

“But you-” Makoto starts, but _no,_ Haruka can’t listen to another word. In one jerky, unstable movement, he brings his hand up and smashes it into the mirror above the sink.

The glass shatters outwards from where his fist makes contact, splintering into a weblike pattern of cracks. Chunks of mirror fall to the ground, landing and breaking into smaller pieces around his feet like rain that freezes to ice midair. Pain laces through his hand and blood begins to seep from his knuckles, decorating the center of the web of fissures with crimson red and dripping onto the clean white surface below. Haruka hisses, gripping the side of the sink impossibly tight as more blood splatters against it.

“Haru-chan!” Makoto cries, darting to his side. He takes Haruka’s fist in his hands, gently guiding his fingers to uncurl as he examines the damage.

A sharp gasp fills the room as Makoto’s eyes dart up to meet his, both of them freezing in place for a split second before glancing towards the door. A boy with short gray hair stands in the entranceway, eyes wide as he stares at the broken mirror.

Makoto snaps out of it first, his hands squeezing Haruka’s gently. “Let’s wash it out, okay, Haru? I’ll run and get some bandages, and then we can worry about the mirror later, okay?”

“No,” Haruka says, snatching his hand away and trying not to wince at the stinging sensation along his knuckles. Blood drips onto the changing room floor as he walks away from the sinks, grabbing his bag from its place on one of the lower shelves and slinging it over his shoulder. A crowd has started to form by the entrance, straggling swimmers standing on their toes to see the damage he’d caused. He pushes past the gray haired boy on his way out, keeping his head low as he cuts through the throng of club members.

Makoto doesn’t follow him, for once. He’s probably still trying to change, or dealing with the after effects of Haruka’s actions yet again. Haruka will have to apologize to him later, but for now he can’t make himself stick around long enough. He has to get out of there, has to get _out_ , away from the flashes of memory that play behind his eyes every time they close. Away from the fractures of what he used to have, what he’s lost, because it hurts much too much to remember now.

Strangers send concerned, wary looks his way as he storms out of Samezuka, but he’s far too shaken to care at this point. He’s still wearing his swimsuit, his Iwatobi jacket still tucked into the top of his bag, but he doesn’t dare slow down to put it on. Droplets of water slide down his skin from where he’d missed them with the towel, intermingling with the blood on his fist before dripping onto the floor. His hand still hurts; he can feel each individual cut stinging and throbbing, reminding him of their presence with painful little stabs, and yet it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as the ache in his chest.

Hollow. Empty. Denying.

_He was closest to you, out of all of us._

Tears prick at the corners of his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall, reaching up with his uninjured hand to wipe them away. He won’t cry over this. He won’t cry over _him_. Not here, and not now.

Not after all this time.

* * *

Haruka keeps his memories locked behind a door in his mind, but he keeps his photographs in a shoebox under his bed.

Nagisa had had a brief thing with his mother’s old Polaroid camera back in elementary school, so he has quite a few photos from back then. Photos from the old swim club, with the four of them smiling and happy, gathered around one another and showing off this medal or that trophy or even just hanging around with each other. Photos from school, of class projects and lunches at the table in the corner of the room, the one with the stain from when Nagisa had spilled a juice pouch and left it to sit overnight. Photos in between, walking home together or spending time at one of the parks near their house.

Haruka had never valued the photos before, had thrown them in the box because he hadn’t had a better idea of a place to put them. He knows Makoto still has his set, stored neatly in a binder with special plastic pockets for each individual one. He doesn’t know if _he_ still has his--actually, it would surprise Haruka if he did. He had probably thrown the polaroids away the second he’d left the Iwatobi Swim Club the day after the relay.

He’d thrown away a lot of things that day.

The box seems to stare at Haruka from its place under the bed as he pulls off his uniform shirt and kicks off his pants. He has a strange urge to take them out, to brush each one free of dust and grime and look them over one by one and hold them close to his chest like a lifeline. He wants to see them, wants a glimpse into the past when seeing _him_ , or even hearing his name, didn’t make his heart leap into his throat and his hair stand on end, didn’t make his hands shake with fear and rage and longing. He wants his old memories back, he wants his old _life_ back.

He wants Rin back.

Instead he curls up on his bed and tries to forget about the box, and his arms feel so, so empty when he finally falls asleep.

* * *

Haruka sees wine red hair and sharp teeth bared in a predatory smile, he hears, “It’s nice to see all of you again,” and he sees an Iwatobi uniform where it doesn’t belong, and the door in his head breaks into a billion tiny splinters that drive themselves into his mind, his heart, his soul.

 _What are you doing here?!_ he wants to scream. _You don’t belong here! Nobody wants you around!_

_You can’t do this to me!_

_He_ stands at the front of the classroom, hands at his sides, posture straight and polite, eyes focused on something at the back of the classroom, and Haruka wonders for a minute if some god or demon or deity of some kind had heard his thoughts from the night before. Maybe this is what he gets, for thinking his name, for letting it slip back into his mind after being rid of him for so long. For thinking that he was safe, that it was okay to let himself relax.

It’s definitely bad luck, he knows. There’s no other way to explain it.

Haruka’s snapped out of his thoughts by a voice so familiar it sends chills down his spine, and so different it almost makes him gasp out loud.

“My name is Matsuoka Rin, and I’m transferring to Iwatobi High School.”

**I’m leaving for Australia. I’ll probably never see you again.**

“I recognize some of you from middle school. I hope that we can be friends again.”

**I never cared about any of you.**

“If there’s anything I can do to help you, please tell me.”

**You were a stepping stone, nothing more. Thinking that we were friends was idiotic, especially for you.**

His eyes meet Haruka’s and understanding flickers like a candle between them.

“I look forward to working alongside you.”

Haruka doesn’t let himself think the rest. It’s too much already, too painful to remember.

Makoto is gripping his desk by the edges, his knuckles turning white. He looks just about as shaken as Haruka feels, his green eyes flashing with emotion. He’s shaking, too; he knocks a pencil onto the ground and it rolls forward a few desks.

Rin picks it up on the way to his seat, a few to the right of Makoto. He holds it out, like a peace offering, like an olive branch, like something that can fix the years of pain and hurt and anger.

“Keep it,” Makoto grits out. Rin’s smile falters, and he sets the pencil down on the edge of Makoto’s desk. As he continues on his way, he shoots Haruka one more glance. Their eyes meet again, and suddenly Haruka knows what it feels like to be struck by lightning.

Rin doesn’t say anything to him. He doesn’t pause by his desk. He takes his seat, facing forward, and doesn’t spare them another look their way for the rest of the class.

Haruka feels himself crumbling to dust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon divergence notes:  
> \- because haruka and makoto pushed away everything that related to rin, gou never had the chance to join the iwatobi swim club and never reconnected with them or became their manager.  
> \- because rin and haruka never had that race back in middle school, haruka didn't quit swimming, but instead turned to it as a source of comfort once rin left.


	2. June

Rin is around far too often.

He’s  _everywhere_. In Haruka’s classes, around the corners of the school, in all the places he doesn’t belong. And it’s not just that he’s invaded all of Haruka’s spaces at Iwatobi High School; no, he’s taken over his mind, too. Memories, voices, visions, all swarm his head the second the door breaks. They make their way into his every thought--the color of Sana’s new hair clip reminds him of Rin’s eyes, shiny and bright and round; the way the wind moves through the branches of the trees reminds him of Rin’s hair flowing around his face with the current of the wind; the  _snap_  of Makoto breaking the pencil Rin had touched during lunch reminds him of Rin’s sharp, white teeth, bared in a grin that hurts ten times more than his hand had the day before.

The first day is the hardest. The first day Haruka can’t do anything, can’t hear or speak or see  _anything_  other than Rin. His hands, balled into fists as tight as the bandage on his right hand will let him, press painfully into his thighs. His eyes stay blown wide long after Rin takes his seat, long after the teacher begins their lesson for the day. He barely dares to breathe, flinching every time somebody in the classroom makes a sound that’s too loud, too harsh.

Too much like a voice, raised above the wind, twisting words into knives that chip away at his heart.

“What’s wrong with Mako-chan?” Nagisa asks as Makoto discards of the broken pencil. They’re sitting on the rooftop, where they’ve taken to having lunch together ever since the swim club had started up. It’s a sunny blue day, the clouds in the sky light and fluffy, though few and far between.

“I heard class two received a new student today,” Rei says from his place in the shadow of the roof. “Is it true?”

“Mm,” Makoto grits out with a single, sharp nod.

“A new student?” Nagisa repeats, a tiny frown creasing his face. “At this time of the year?”

Haruka doesn’t answer. It’s taking all of his strength to stay here, stay still, keep calm. He doesn’t know what to  _do._  What  _can_  he do? He’d never expected to run into Rin again, after what he’d said.  **I’ll probably never see you again.**  Why couldn’t he have been telling the truth?

Why did he have to come here, of all places?

“Is everything alright?” Rei asks, setting his bento down and looking between Haruka and Makoto. “You two seem tense.”

“It’s fine,” Haruka snaps through gritted teeth, jerking his head to the side. Rei doesn’t know about what happened with Rin, and as far as he’s concerned, he doesn’t  _need_  to know. None of them need to relive what happened between them again.

A flash of red catches his eye, just outside of his peripheral vision, and he flinches instinctually. Has Rin decided to come and invade his lunch place, too? Is he that set on ruining every one of Haruka’s places of solace?

He opens his eye and peeks at where Rin should be, wondering if he’s finally coming to talk or fight or hurt Haruka again. After everything that’s happened, he wouldn’t be surprised. There’s no way that Rin will come back into their lives quietly, innocuously. It’s not in his personality.

But when he turns to look, there’s nobody there. No trace of red to catch his eye, no sharp smile to tear at his heart.

And even though he’s surrounded by his closest friends, he’s somehow never felt more alone.

* * *

Haruka remembers the day his grandmother died very well.

He remembers because the night before, she had handed him her favorite pocket mirror, let him play with the clasp and run his fingers over the tiny silver details on the cover, the smooth, cold metal like water under his fingers.

He remembers the mirror slipping out of his hand, falling to the floor and flipping open, the reflective surface staring up at him, showing him the tears in his eyes as his grandmother gently lifts him off of her lap.

“It’s alright, Haruka,” she cooes, sweeping the sharp fragments of glass into a pile with her bare hands. “It’s alright, darling. It was only a mirror.”

 _But it was your favorite,_  Haruka thinks with a sniff, rubbing at his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. “I’m sorry,” he says in a wobbly, wavery voice. His grandmother reaches down and strokes the top of his head, her hand coming down to tilt his head towards her.

“Mirrors can be replaced,” she says with a soft smile. “They’re not like people. They’re not as important as you, dear.”

Haruka sniffs again, rubbing the space under his nose. His shoulders shake gently as he watches her leave the room, coming back a minute later with a broom.

“You know, some say that a broken mirror is bad luck?” his grandmother tells him as she sweeps the shards into the dustpan. “Heaven knows why, but I’ve always believed it.”

“Bad luck?” Haruka echoes, confused.

“Indeed,” she replies. “But you don’t have to worry about that, Haruka. I’ll be here protect you.”

With that, she brushes the last few remnants of the broken mirror into the pan and stands to throw them away. Haruka watches as she walks towards the trash can in the kitchen, her legs shaking slightly as she goes. She’s been unsteady lately, and weak. And though Haruka doesn’t yet know why, he has a sinking feeling that there’s something she--and everyone else--is hiding from him.

“I think it’s time to go, sweetheart,” his mother says, walking into the room and scooping him into her arms. She sounds off, wrong, almost worried, but Haruka can’t tell why. All he knows is that he’d broken something very important, and now he’s supposed to have bad luck. He wants to stay with his grandmother, wants her to keep protecting him like she’d promised to do.

But as his parents herd him into the car, as his father shares a few quiet words with his grandmother, he doesn’t put up a fight. She will still be there when he wakes up the next morning. She’ll keep him safe from the bad luck, and from the strange, worried glances his parents throw back and forth as they start the drive home.

At least, that’s what he thinks. But the next day, as he wakes up to his father’s distressed cry, his mother’s silent tears, he knows that she can’t protect him anymore. Nanase Yoshi is gone, and he wonders quietly in the dim light of his bedroom, if it’s maybe his fault.

* * *

Rin doesn’t bother them for a while after he comes back.

Sure, Haruka runs into him more times than he wants to over the next couple of days, but that’s not exactly his fault. They are in the same grade, after all, and it’s not like Iwatobi is a big school. They’re bound to bump into each other in the halls or the bathrooms or during breaks. He does his best to turn and head the other way whenever he catches sight of that familiar red hair or hears the voice that’s been burned into his most painful memories, and for a while, Rin lets him run.

But it has to come to an end eventually. They can’t dance around each other forever, and Haruka knows it.

And Rin knows it, too.

The sun shines brightly in the sky, casting warm rays of light down into the depths of the pool. Sunshine reflects back at them from the gentle waves of the water, leaving bright patches in their fields of vision that fade in seconds. Haruka is the first one into the pool today, as he usually is, although Nagisa is close behind him.

“Wait, you two!” Makoto cries, exasperated. “We still have to talk about the tournament!”

“What’s there to talk about?” Nagisa points out, although he stops swimming and treads water with a pout.

“Makoto-senpai is right,” Rei joins in. “We’ve already agreed to participate, but we don’t know what races we’re participating in.”

“I’ll do the hundred meter breaststroke!” Nagisa decides, his pout morphing into a grin. “Those other swimmers won’t know what hit them!”

“And I’ll do the hundred meter backstroke,” Makoto continues, scratching something down onto a piece of paper. “Rei?”

“The hundred meter butterfly, naturally,” Rei declares with a confident smile. “After all, butterfly  _is_  my specialty.”

“It’s the only one you can do, Rei-chan!” Nagisa points out with a grin.

“Nagisa-kun!”

Makoto chuckles, bringing his hand up to mask his smile. “Haru, I’ll put you down for the hundred meter free, okay?” he tells Haruka, turning his attention away from the other two.

“I don’t care,” Haruka says with a shrug, sinking lower into the pool. He immerses himself in the water, turning and kicking gently as he opens his eyes. He’s always liked the way everything looks underwater, twisted and distorted, as if he’s viewing everything from inside of a kaleidoscope. He turns again and watches as Rei climbs into the pool and starts to swim towards the other end, watches as Nagisa hangs onto the edge of the pool as he chats with Makoto. Only when his lungs start to ache for air and his eyes begin to sting from chlorine does he emerge from the water, blinking rapidly and shaking stray droplets off of his hair.

He looks up again and freezes on the spot.

“Ah, Haru-chan,” Makoto says, turning to face him. “We were just talking about entering the relay this tourna- Haru-chan?”

Haruka doesn’t answer. All of his attention is focused on the figure leaning against the shed by the pool, Iwatobi blazer thrown over his arm. He’s watching Haruka with a careful eye--when they make eye contact, he straightens up and takes a step towards the pool.

“Yo,” Rin says, and Haruka can’t help but notice the flicker of something strange across his face when he takes a step back in the pool. Makoto whips around, turning to stare wide-eyed as Rin approaches them, as if he’s the last person he’d expected to be there.

“Rin-chan…?” Nagisa breathes, eyes wide, and only now does Haruka remember that they’d failed to tell their old friend about Rin’s transfer. How the two of them had gone without seeing each other for a full week, he doesn’t know, but it must be one hell of a surprise for him right now.

“Hey, Nagisa,” Rin says with a nod, keeping his expression carefully neutral. “Makoto, Haru. How are you?”

“What are you doing here, Rin?” Makoto asks, his voice as unfriendly as Haruka has ever heard it. “We’re busy.”

“I wanted to talk to you,” Rin explains, spreading his hands against the legs of his pants in a gesture that almost seems nervous. “Gou told me I would find you all here.”

Haruka sets his jaw, wondering just how much Gou has told Rin about them over the past few years. Rin seems to have a similar train of thought, taking another step forward until he’s just a few feet away from the edge of the pool.

“Did she tell you I was coming back?” he asks, looking from Nagisa to Makoto before finally landing on Haruka. He flinches, then grits his teeth and stares down at the distorted image of his lower body beneath the surface of the water. Meeting Rin’s gaze will do nothing for him; he’d rather avoid as much of Rin as possible.

“She asked to talk to me,” Makoto says stiffly, hands clenched at his sides. “But we never met up.”

“She didn’t tell me anything,” Nagisa says with a frown, sending Haruka a questioning look. “Haru?”

“I asked her to warn you all that I was returning,” Rin explains, and Haruka still refuses to look at him, but he can’t help but listen. “I didn’t want to ambush you. I’m sorry she didn’t get a chance to explain.”

“Explain what?” Makoto half-asks, half-snaps. “What you’re doing here? Why you aren’t back in Australia, where you’re supposed to be?”

Haruka chances a glance up at Rin--he looks almost pained, as if Makoto’s words have actually hurt him. As if he actually cared for any of them.

Haruka knows better than to believe that.

“I just want to talk,” Rin says quietly, softly. “I wanted to-”

“We’re busy, Rin,” Makoto cuts him off. “If you wouldn’t mind, we’ve got work to do.”

Rin falters, and Haruka breathes a sigh of relief as he takes a step back towards the exit. Seeing Makoto angry is strange, but right now he’s glad that his friend has handled the situation the way he did. He doesn’t want to talk to Rin. Rin is everything he hates, everything that’s hurt him, and no matter what he says or does, Haruka can’t let himself trust him again.

“I’ll go,” Rin says, taking another step back. “But if you have the time, I still want to talk to you. Please just keep it in mind.”

And with that, he’s gone.

Haruka hears the sound of the water swishing in the lane next to his, and a moment later, Rei pops up next to him. “Who was that… Rin-chan-san?”

“Nobody,” Makoto says, his shoulders drooping. “Let’s just… move on.”

“But Mako-chan-” Nagisa starts, but Makoto cuts him off quickly.

“Are we doing the relay or not?” he asks, turning to pick up his pencil and clipboard yet again. Haruka feels his heart pang at the question, at the memory of his last relay, and what came after. He shakes his head slowly, keeping his eyes down.

“No,” he says, and sinks back under the water before anyone can ask him why.

* * *

Rin doesn’t leave them alone after that. Or more specifically, he doesn’t leave  _Haruka_  alone.

He’ll catch Haruka in the halls and try to walk back to class with him, or he’ll stick around outside of the pool and wait until practice is over. Every time, Haruka brushes past him, refuses to meet his gaze and hurries away before he can be hurt again. Days pass, then a week, and another, and every time that expression of  _something_  on Rin’s face from the day at the pool flashes through his mind again, tells him that maybe this time it will be different.

But he doesn’t let himself stop to see if maybe it will be. And then one day, he doesn’t have a choice.

* * *

He’s almost home when he starts to smell the smoke.

That alone is concerning, but nowhere near as concerning as the sound of fire truck sirens that only get louder the closer he gets to his house. People bustle past him, whispering to each other, and he can hear the words from their lips and the glances in the direction of his home, and he starts to worry, but he doesn’t register it until-

Until he sees it for himself.

Sees the thick layer of smoke and the bright, furious flames, the crowd gathered around outside and the firefighters valiantly trying to fight what seems to be an impossible battle.

His house is on fire.

His house is on fire and the doors are burned black and flecks of ash are falling from the sky, and the  _photos are still in his room_ , still in that shoebox under his bed, a thick layer of dust atop it. And all of a sudden Haruka is throwing his school bag to the side, pushing past the throng of onlookers and ignoring the chief firefighter’s command to  _stay back, son!_  because he absolutely  _cannot_  lose those photos. He dives into the house through the open door and dodges past burning pieces of rubble, past his parents’ neatly placed decorations and all of the framed photographs he’d never bothered to care about before. Thick black clouds obscure his vision, but he ignores them, pushing past burning chairs and a flaming kotatsu and up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

He  _needs_ those pictures. He needs to see them again, see  _Rin_ again, the way he was back before everything went wrong. Small, smiling Rin, with his cat fangs and his stupid colored vests and his way of making everything more interesting. Because if he doesn’t have those, what’s to stop him from forgetting the way things used to be? What’s to keep him from losing the memories he holds most precious?

The flames have just started to make their way onto his bed when he bursts into his room, ignoring the cries of  _Come back, come back!_  from outside his window. He ducks low with a cough, feeling the searing pain of smoke in his lungs as he digs the cardboard shoebox out from under his bed. His fingers leave marks in the dust as he scrambles to pick it up, to clutch it close to his chest. More smoke burns at his insides as he stumbles out of his bedroom, making his eyes sting and tears of reaction roll down his cheeks. He feels dizzy, lightheaded, although he swears he’s only been inside for a couple of seconds. Surely he can’t have been affected this badly already, can he have?

The stairs prove to be a bit of a challenge. Haruka braces himself on the side of the wall that hasn’t yet caught fire, gripping the cardboard box tight and coughing smoke out of his lungs. His face is wet, and it’s so, so hot, and everything is too bright and too wrong and he’s starting to waver. His next step is shaky, his vision is starting to blur and black out, and  _why is the floor suddenly so close?_

He collapses a few feet away from the stairs, lungs searing with pain, smoke taking him by the neck and squeezing until he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe,  _he can’t breathe_.

And then all of a sudden he sees a flash of red, a blur of motion, and then a pair of familiar arms are wrapping themselves around him and hoisting him upwards, pulling him over a familiar Iwatobi uniform that is starting to belong more and more. A familiar voice is calling, yelling at him as they cut through the fire and all Haruka can do is hold onto the box of photos, and all he can think is,  _this doesn’t burn nearly as much as it did when you left._

“You idiot!” Rin screams, hauling him bodily towards the door. “Running into a burning building, Haru? What were you  _thinking_?”

“It was important,” Haruka rasps, and only distantly in the back of his mind does he realize that those are the first words he’s spoken to Rin in over five years.

They stumble outside, both of them coughing and gasping for air. Rin sets Haruka down a few feet away from the entrance with a rough, wheezy cough, then falls to his knees beside him, clutching at his throat. Haruka hacks next to him, blinking rapidly to try and dispel the smoke from his eyes.

“Why would you do that?” Rin gasps, turning his watery red eyes to Haruka. “You could have died!”

 _What does it matter to you?_  Haruka thinks, unable to look away.  _What was it that you said back then?_ **I never cared about any of you,**   _right?_

Rin lowers his head, bracing himself on the ground as more coughs overtake his body, and Haruka wonders what in the world he’s done to deserve this.

He really, really wishes that he hadn’t broken that mirror.


	3. June

Bad luck comes in threes, Haruka’s grandmother used to say.

And good luck? It comes in threes, too. Luck is funny that way.

As Haruka sits on the clean, white bed in the clean, white infirmary, an oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth, he ticks off the past few events in his head. One, the reappearance of Rin, and his transfer to Iwatobi High School. Two, the fire that had taken his home away, and had almost taken him with it. He wonders distantly when the third disaster will come, how it could possibly top the first two.

He finds that he doesn’t want to know the answer.

There aren’t any doctors or nurses in his room--they’d been busy with some of Haruka’s neighbors who’d been inside when the fire had started, before it had spread to his house. Apparently an electrical cord had been exposed and had sparked a flame that hadn’t been caught until it was too late. He’s been alone in the hospital for all of five minutes, and with each passing second he’s getting more antsy. He and Rin had been separated during the ambulance ride over (which Haruka had thought was excessive, but his lungs and throat seem to be thanking him now) and he hasn’t heard anything from him since. Surely Rin couldn’t have been burned; he’d only been inside for a minute at the most, and there hadn’t been any signs of external damage when they’d stumbled outside.

Haruka turns ever so slightly to stare at the box sitting next to him on the hospital bed. There’s not a trace of ash nor burns marring the cardboard, despite the raging fire that had gone on around it, almost as if it had been saving the photographs for last. He reaches over and flips the lid open, reaches inside and takes out the first photo. It’s a picture of Nagisa and Makoto by the ISC’s pool, both of their faces stretched into smiles.

He sets the polaroid on the empty side of the box, then picks up the next one on the stack. His own face stares back at him, expression flat and unamused. If Haruka looks close enough he can see blonde locks reflected in the whites of his eyes, which match the peace sign thrown out from behind the camera. A small smile tugs at his face as he sets the picture down on top of the first, grabbing another one from inside of the box and turning it around in his hand.

The smile falls from his face.

A very slightly older Makoto smiles up at him, eyes closed, holding a peace sign up in the air. On the other side, a small Nagisa pumps his fist in the air triumphantly, his mouth stretched into a wide grin. And in the middle stands Rin, one arm wrapped around their trophy and the other slung around Haruka’s shoulders. He’s smiling at the camera, showing off his baby fangs, and there’s barely an inch of space between the two of them. Before his eyes even land on the medals around their necks, Haruka knows exactly when the photo was taken. The day of the relay. The day before everything had gone to hell.

The door slams open with a bang, startling Haruka out of his thoughts. He snaps back to attention, looking up from the photograph to see Rin standing in the entranceway, eyes wide, chest heaving as if he’s run halfway across the infirmary to find him. They stare at each other for a couple of seconds while he catches his breath, leaning against the doorframe as he does.

“Haru,” Rin says at last, reaching up to scratch at his neck as if he didn’t just burst into Haruka’s hospital room without invitation. “Are you, um. How are you feeling?”

Haruka narrows his eyes and reaches up with one hand to tap the oxygen mask on his face. He can talk, he’s pretty sure, but he’d rather not if he has the choice. His throat hurts, and he’s still planning on avoiding Rin for the rest of his life if he can help it.

“Right,” Rin says, eyes falling to the ground for a second. When he looks back up, that flash of  _ something _ is there again, and this time it takes a few seconds to fall away.

“I wanted to speak with you,” Rin says, taking a step into the room. Once again Haruka finds himself shrinking away, leaning back on the hospital bed until he’s in danger of toppling over. He doesn’t want to speak with Rin. He doesn’t want to put himself through this again, not if he has a say in it.

“Haru…” Rin tries, and it sounds almost pleading coming from him. “Please, just listen to me. You don’t have to answer, but I want you to hear what I have to say.”

Haruka doesn’t move, barely dares to breathe. He doesn’t want this, doesn’t want Rin around, wishes he would just go back to Australia and leave them in peace, and yet a tiny,  _ tiny _ part of him keeps him from tearing his mask off and walking away. (The same traitorous part that had wished for Rin to come back that day after their last joint practice.)

“I want to apologize,” Rin says, glancing to the side as if he can’t bear to say it while looking Haruka straight in the face. “That’s why I was at your house. I know that probably doesn’t mean anything to you now, but I… I can’t just leave us where we were. I  _ know _ I was a shitty friend. I  _ know _ I messed up when I left.”

_ You did, _ Haruka thinks, his hand tightening around the photograph of the four of them. They’d been so happy, so glad to have each other, and Rin had ruined it in the span of a couple of minutes. He’d felt so invincible then, as if as long as they were together, nothing could bring them down. He hadn’t known what was coming.

“I should have told you that I was leaving,” Rin continues, running his hand through his hair in agitation. “I should have said something the minute I found out, but I… I got scared, if you can believe it. And then the days were passing so fast, and I never found the right time, and the whole time I was just so  _ afraid _ . I didn’t want to miss you when I left, or Makoto, or Nagisa. I didn’t want to leave you all behind, but I didn’t have a choice-”

“So you decided to hurt us, instead?” Haruka snaps, eyes narrowing yet again. Rin flinches visibly, staring down at the floor in shame.

“I know what I did was horrible,” he says quietly. “I should’ve been honest with you all--and with myself--instead of just… pretending that you didn’t mean anything to me. I swear, you all meant  _ so much _ to me. And I thought… if I pushed you away, maybe it would hurt less when I had to leave.”

“So what?” Haruka retorts, eyebrows drawing together in a frown. “What do you want from me now?”

“I…” Rin starts, then trails off. He takes a couple of steps towards Haruka’s bed, his eyes widening in surprise as they fall to the picture still clutched between Haruka’s fingers. He reaches up gently and takes Haruka’s hand in his, the photograph held between them.

“I want a second chance,” he says, looking up and meeting Haruka’s gaze. “And I know that’s a lot to ask after all that I’ve done. But Haru, if you’ll let me, I’ll do anything that I can to make it up to you.”

“Make it up to him?” a third voice repeats from the doorway. Rin takes a step back immediately, dropping Haruka’s hand like a hot coal and whirling around to face Makoto. Haruka practically throws the photograph back into the cardboard box, flipping the lid shut with finality just in time to hide the evidence of his stupidity.

“Uh…” Rin tries, his hand hovering uncertainly in the air. “I…”

Makoto huffs, pushing past him and kneeling beside Haruka’s bed. “Are you alright, Haru-chan?” he asks, and something tells Haruka that he’s not just talking about the fire.

“I’m okay,” he assures him, reaching up to pull the oxygen mask away from his face so Makoto can hear him better. “What are you doing here?”

“I came as soon as I heard,” Makoto tells him, gently pushing the mask back into place. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?”

Haruka blinks at him, then glances up at the doorway again, just in time to catch Rin slip outside and out of view. His heart feels heavy, like it’s made of lead, and despite the fact that he appreciates Makoto’s presence, he finds himself wishing that his friend had come in just a couple of seconds later.

He banishes the thought with a shake of his head. He can’t listen to what Rin says, can’t let himself trust him again, no matter what his heart wants him to do. He has to be very, very careful from now on, or he’s going to get himself hurt again.

And right now, getting hurt is the last thing he needs.

* * *

The Tachibana household is loud.

Or maybe Haruka is just so used to the utter silence of his house that any noise at all seems like a cacophony of chaos and sound, deafening to his ears. As Makoto guides him past Ren and Ran’s shared room, Haruka can hear the distant sounds of an argument brewing between the twins.

“They’re always fighting,” Makoto says fondly, a smile crossing his face. “Ah, here we are. I hope you don’t mind sharing a room, Haru. There’s not much else we can do for you.”

“It’s fine,” Haruka says, adjusting the strap on his school bag. “Thank you, Makoto.”

Makoto nods, turning the doorknob and letting his bedroom door swing open. It looks the same as always, clean and tidy with a splash of Makoto’s personality here and there. A green t-shirt strewn across his bed, a few framed family photos on his wall an extra pair of goggles hanging from the back of his chair. Haruka’s eyes catch on the medal sitting on his desk, the red and white ribbon faded but still familiar.  _ That _ certainly hadn’t been there the last time he’d come over. Maybe Rin’s reappearance has had more of an effect on the others than he’d first thought.

“I can set up the futon now,” Makoto tells him, setting his school bag down on his bed. “Just make yourself at home, okay?”

Haruka nods, flopping down on his friend’s desk chair and letting his own bag fall to the ground. He sighs, covering his face with his hands and resting his elbows on his knees. He’s so tired, and yet he has a feeling sleep won’t come easy to him tonight. Because as familiar as Makoto’s house is to him after all this time, it’s still not home. Home is his room, quiet and solitary; his bed, warm and inviting; his kitchen, with a fridge full of mackerel; his living room, full of memories with his friends.

His home is gone, and for the first time since the fire, it’s finally starting to sink in.

* * *

Staring up at Samezuka’s tall, looming architecture, with an envelope of yen in his hand, Haruka wonders if maybe he should have brought Makoto with him, after all. He doesn’t know the building, or the people, and he’s never been very good at asking for help. All he knows is that he needs to find the main office and pay for the mirror he’d broken, and probably apologize as well so that the Iwatobi Swim Club isn’t banned from Samezuka for the rest of their lives. He should have gone earlier, should have taken the money the day after their last joint practice, but he’d been busy with the reappearance of Rin and with swim practice after school, and then the fire had happened and all intentions of paying the school back had gone completely out of the window.

Boys in black and pink uniform shirts and gray pants file in and out of the school’s entrance, chatting merrily with each other and not paying Haruka the slightest of mind. He searches for a familiar face from the swim club, trying his best to recall the appearances of the boys he’d swam with not more than a month ago, but nobody jogs his memory.

Unsurely, he takes a step through Samezuka’s main entrance, hoping that all the time he’s spent there will pay off today. He sees students crowd around each other idly while they wait for club activities to begin, sees a few of them head towards the dorm rooms on the other side of the campus. He wanders through the crowd, envelope clutched tightly in his hand, until he’s finally able to slip inside the main building.

Unfortunately for him, the main office proves to be more difficult for him to locate than he’d initially thought it would be. The school is like one huge, crowded maze full of people he doesn’t recognize, and the more time he spends there, the more lost he gets. He’s just starting to give up hope when a low, familiar voice catches his attention.

“Nanase?”

Haruka whirls around, eyes widening as he takes in the man before him. He’s tall, with a big build and short, spiky black hair. His teal eyes are droopy in an unmistakable way, and if that wasn’t enough of a clue, the look he’s giving Haruka is a dead giveaway.

“Yamazaki,” Haruka says stiffly, squaring his shoulders. “What are you doing here?”

“I go here,” Yamazaki says, staring down at him. From this close he’s a good few inches taller, and from the way his eyes are narrowed into a menacing frown Haruka can tell that he’s not to pleased to run into him here. Haruka wonders how they haven’t seen each other around Samezuka before; the Iwatobi team does spend a fair amount of time at their rival school’s pool, after all. Maybe Yamazaki isn’t on the swim team, or maybe he decided to transfer at the same time that Rin did. Either way, it’s none of Haruka’s concern.

He turns to leave, maybe to continue to search for the main office or maybe to come back another day, but Yamazaki grabs his shoulder before he can leave. Haruka stiffens, ducking away from the touch and turning back to glare at him.

“What?” he snaps, raising an eyebrow. Yamazaki sighs in exasperation.

“Are you going to tell me what  _ you’re _ doing here?” he asks, glancing around the crowded hallway. Haruka sets his jaw, taking a step back.

“I have to find the office,” he says, waving the envelope as if it will explain itself. Yamazaki sighs again, shaking his head and looking away.

“The office isn’t open today,” he says. “You’ll have to come back another time.”

_ Great, _ Haruka thinks with a huff. He finally finds the time to come all the way to Samezuka, and he can’t even do what he came out to do.

He turns again, taking a step back the way he came, but Yamazaki’s voice stops him. “Nanase,” he calls, making Haruka pause for the tiniest of moments. “How… How is Rin doing?”

Haruka freezes, his blood running cold. Of  _ course _ Yamazaki would ask about Rin, as if his day isn’t already going badly enough.

“Ask him yourself,” he grits out, hands clenching into fists at his sides.

“I would,” Yamazaki says, exasperated. “I  _ did _ . But he won’t tell me anything. All he talks about is you, and Tachibana and that little blonde friend of yours.”

Haruka blinks, surprise overtaking him for a second. “He talks about us?” he repeats in disbelief.

“Of course,” Yamazaki tells him, and even though Haruka can’t see his face he can tell that it’s the truth. “Whenever I bring up Iwatobi, it always circles back to you three. Especially you. He says he needs you to forgive him, or else he’ll never be able to forgive himself, and he won’t be able to move on. And I have a feeling that you won’t be able to, either.”

Haruka tenses, a frown crossing his face. “So he’s just trying to get rid of the guilt,” he states with a scoff, jaw clenched. “That sounds about right.”

“Honestly, Nanase,” Yamazaki says, his voice quiet as it echoes throughout the empty hallway, “I don’t think that’s it. No matter what he says, I don’t think he’ll  _ ever  _ be able to forgive himself for what he did to you.”

* * *

For the first time in a long time, Haruka has a dream.

Maybe it’s the change of scenery that brings it on, or maybe his run-in with Yamazaki triggered something within his head. Either way, he finds himself back at the Iwatobi Swim Club, standing outside with his back to the building. To his left stand Nagisa and Makoto, smiling and holding onto their medals from the day before. To his right stands Rin, his own medal gripped tightly in his hand.

“Is everything okay, Rin?” Makoto asks, concerned. “You’ve been quiet. Is something the matter?”

“I…” Rin starts, but his voice trails off before he can say the rest. Haruka sucks in a deep breath, preparing himself for what he knows will come next. The pain, the hurt, the sickening sadness that claws at his insides with every word Rin will inevitably spit at them. Everything he’d repressed for so long, only to have it spring back at him within the span of a few weeks.

“I’m fine,” Rin says, and Haruka’s head snaps up in surprise before he can stop himself.

“Are you sure?” Nagisa asks, eyes wide. “You can tell us if something’s going on, you know.”

“I know,” Rin says, his face splitting into a grin from ear to ear. “Of course I know. We’re friends, after all, right, Haru?”

Haruka stares at him, mouth opening and closing helplessly. Tears begin to fill his eyes, distorting his vision and spilling down his cheeks like fat spring raindrops. When he blinks them away, young Rin is gone, replaced by the older, more reserved version of him.

“I should have told you,” older Rin says, reaching up to wipe the tears from Haruka’s cheeks. “I should have told you everything, Haru. And if you’ll let me, I’ll do anything I can to make it up to you.”

Haruka brings his own hand up to cup Rin’s against his cheek, turns his head and presses his lips to Rin’s palm in the quickest of kisses. He sniffs, closes his eyes and nods against Rin’s fingers, and when Rin’s other arm comes up to pull him closer, he doesn’t protest. Because even if this is the only way he can have what he really, truly wants, he’s okay with taking what he can get.

He wakes in a dark room with tears on his face, and when he wraps his arms around himself and squeezes as tight as he can he finds that it still isn’t enough. Nothing will be enough to fill the hole in his heart, the Rin-shaped space that seems to grow bigger and bigger every day.

_ Don’t get hurt, _ he tells himself, wiping wetness off of his cheeks.  _ Don’t get hurt, don’t get hurt, don’t get hurt. Not again. _

And yet, he thinks, it might already be too late for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon divergence notes:  
> \- because rin never went to samezuka, sousuke was never motivated to continue swimming despite his shoulder injury, and thus never joined samezuka's swim team.
> 
> happy birthday to my most favorite boy in the world <3


	4. July

“What happened between Rin-san and the three of you?”

Haruka stops mid stroke, turning his head to stare at Rei. In the lane next to his, Nagisa freezes, and Makoto drops the clipboard he’d been marking things off on with a clatter that seems louder than it should be. None of them say a word.

“I understand that some things are hard to share,” Rei continues, a slight frown creasing his brow. “But I find it strange. I’d never heard a word about any Rin-san before that day at the pool, but the three of you seem to have a stronger connection to him than to anyone else at the school. I can’t help but wonder what happened to make things the way that they are.”

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa starts, and when Haruka glances over at him he seems more serious than he has a right to be.  _ Not you, too, Nagisa, _ he thinks, feeling his heart clench in his chest.

“It’s nothing, Rei,” Makoto says quietly, bending down to grab the clipboard from the ground. “It’s all in the past, anyway. None of it matters anymore.”

_ But it  _ does _ matter, _ Haruka protests.  _ Of course it matters. Of course  _ Rin _ matters. You hate him, Makoto, and Nagisa misses him, and I- _

_ I can’t feel this way about him. _

“Let’s just focus on practicing for the tournament,” Makoto says, scrawling something down on his paper before setting it by the poolside and slipping into the water. “I want everyone to work as hard as they can, okay? We’ve only got a couple of days before the big tournament. Nagisa, I want you to focus on your turn, okay? And Rei, try to keep your stamina up as long as you can.”

Makoto turns to look at Haruka, but he glances away before their eyes can meet. Something awfully close to guilt gnaws at him from the inside, making his stomach turn over and his anxiety spike. It isn’t fair to feel this way about Rin, isn’t fair to  _ miss him _ the way he does. Not when Rin has been nothing but a phantom nightmare to all of them for the past five years, not when he still weighs so heavily on all of their minds. Haruka is being selfish just by entertaining the thought of forgiving him, of letting him back into his life. It doesn’t matter how much he wants it, how much he’d like to give Rin the second chance he doesn’t deserve.

He can’t give in. He has to stay strong, no matter how much it hurts him. Because if he has to be hurt, it might as well come from his own hand instead of from Rin’s, right?

Right?

* * *

It used to be so easy.

Haruka used to get out of school with Makoto and Rin and wait by the gate for Nagisa to catch up, their swim bags slung around their tiny shoulders. He used to listen to Rin gush about the upcoming tournament, about how excited he is to swim in a relay with the three of them. He used to watch Makoto smile at his enthusiasm and nod in agreement, happy to listen, to just  _ be _ with the three of them.

They would walk to the swim club together, Nagisa bouncing along in the front, with the older three trailing behind. Rin would elbow Haruka in the side and ask him, “Are you gonna race me today, Nanase?” and Haruka would huff in faux annoyance and turn his head to the side and try to fight the smile on his face.

“Not today,” he would say quietly, shaking his head. “Not yet.”

Rin would sigh ever so dramatically, but he’d be smiling, too. “Maybe next time, then,” he would agree. “I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”

And Haruka would think that he’ll never be ready, not to face off against Rin when all he wants to do is swim together, on the same team. He’d be reminded once again of how much Rin has changed him, from a loner who could care less about swimming in a relay to somebody who looks forward to spending time with their friends at the pool, somebody who actually  _ wants _ to compete on a team together. And his heart would beat a little faster, and his lips would cuve into a soft smile, and he would think  _ How glad I am to be a part of his team. How grateful I am to live in his world. _

And when Rin leaves and they still haven’t had a proper race and Makoto tells him “he was closest to you, out of all of us,” Haruka wonders how close somebody can get with reasons as selfish as Rin’s.

**I’m leaving for Australia. I’ll probably never see you again.**

**I never cared about any of you.**

**You were a stepping stone, nothing more. Thinking that we were friends was idiotic, especially for you.**

It used to be so easy, back before the fire.

* * *

Haruka hears the  _ beep _ that signifies the start of the race, sees the water’s surface fast approaching as he launches himself off the starting block, and feels the cool sensation of diving into the pool. He goes deep, kicking furiously, eyes open behind his goggles. He sees the other swimmers on either side of him in his peripheral vision, but he does his best not to pay them any mind. Instead he forces his hand through the water in strong, bold movements, turning his head to the side as soon as he surfaces and pulling in a breath of air. He feels stiff, tense, where he would normally be fluid and graceful. His jaw is grit, his fingers pressed against each other as he carves a path into the water before him, and it feels so wrong.  _ He _ feels wrong, as if every move isn’t good enough, every stroke isn’t fast enough, every kick isn’t strong enough.

He finds himself wishing that Rin were here. Rin always used to push him to do his best, even past the point where Makoto and Nagisa would back off. Rin made him better, made him want to  _ be _ better in everything he did. He was an inspiration, a spirit that Haruka had admired from the day they’d met until the day he’d locked the door in his mind. Swimming with him is a thousand times better than swimming with anyone else he’s ever met; maybe that’s why Rin is the only one he’ll swim for aside from himself. Without him in the lane next to his, is it even really worth it?

He blinks, eyes wide behind his goggles. Memories of swimming with Rin flash behind his eyelids, each one as painful as touching fire. Their last relay, Rin’s arm around his shoulders, the medal around his neck hanging heavy, the only thing keeping him from floating away like seafoam on a receding wave.  _ Is it worth it? _ he thinks again as his feet hit the far side of the pool, his knees bending as he prepares to spring towards the other side again.  _ What’s the point if Rin isn’t here? _

_ What’s the point, if I can’t be happy without him? _

He turns his head, eyes catching on a group of blue and white in the seats above the pool. Nagisa is on his feet, hands cupped around his mouth as he yells “Go, Haru-chan!!!” as loudly as he can. Rei is gripping the bars that line the seating area, leaning out dangerously far as he watches Haruka swim. Makoto has a hand gripping at his shirt above his chest, his green eyes meeting Haruka’s for the briefest of seconds before he turns his head back towards the bottom of the pool.

_ Right, _ he thinks, determination overtaking him.  _ I’m not doing this for myself. I’m doing it for them. That should be reason enough for me to keep trying, shouldn’t it? _

He thrusts his hand into the water and pushes himself forward, passing the swimmer to his left by a hair. His legs begin to ache, and the taste of chlorine lays heavy on his tongue, but he forces himself to keep going. He hears the cheers of his teammates in the stands above them, blended into the cheers of every school’s swim team and yet still oddly distinguishable. He sees Nagisa’s face when he’d agreed to join the swim club, Makoto’s smile when he’d allowed himself to be signed up for the freestyle race. And he thinks maybe, maybe it’s enough to keep him going.

The pool wall fast approaches as he swims, harder than he thinks he’s ever swam before. His limbs feel like lead by the time he’s a few feet away, and he’s pretty sure he’s inhaled more pool water than air, but for the first time in a long time, he feels hope spark in his heart. Maybe he can win this. Maybe he can move past the old relay, let go of the past completely, and move forward in the company of his friends.

His hand slams against the wall of the pool, his feet sinking to touch the bottom as he gasps in a breath of air, reaches up to slide his goggles off as his eyes catch on the scoreboard hanging above the starting blocks. He finds his name next to the number five, a blank space in between the two. Time seems to slow to a crawl as he waits for his place to be revealed, heart pounding in his chest. So much is riding on this race, much more than Makoto or Nagisa or Rei knows. More than Haruka wants to admit.

A number flashes onto the screen next to his name. Haruka stares up at it in disbelief, mouth opening a sliver as his heart sinks deep into his chest.  _ Two. _ As in second place. As in not strong enough, not fast enough, not  _ good _ enough.

He was wrong. His friends can’t carry him away from his past, no matter how hard they may try. It’s just not enough.

Without Rin, nothing will  _ ever  _ be enough.

* * *

It’s raining when Haruka steps outside. Fat droplets of water pour down from the sky, absorbing into the shoulders of his Iwatobi jacket and re-wetting his newly dried hair. It seems fitting to his mood, and to the rest of his friends’ as well. None of them had won their races, and once again Haruka wonders if maybe he’s at fault for it. Maybe his first race had set the tone for the rest of the Iwatobi Swim Club’s events. Maybe if he hadn’t gotten so caught up in his thoughts, if he hadn’t doubted himself in the middle of his race, they’d have more to celebrate.

“Haru-chan,” Makoto says, placing a hand on his shoulder from behind. “Are you ready to go? My parents will want to hear about how the race went.”

Haruka’s stomach turns at the thought of going back to Makoto’s room, to the futon that doesn’t feel right and the photographs with something missing in each of them. He wants to go  _ home _ , and yet he knows he can’t. His home is gone; he should get used to being at Makoto’s until his parents come up with the money to find a new place for him, but the idea of facing the Tachibanas and having to pretend to be okay in front of them is exhausting already.

“I have somewhere else to be,” he says before he can stop himself, turning away. Makoto’s hand falls to his side limply, and a quiet “oh” escapes his lips.

“Don’t wait up,” Haruka continues, taking a step in the opposite direction of Makoto’s home. “I’ll call if I’m out late.”

“Be careful, Haru-chan,” Makoto calls after him, concern laced in his voice. Haruka doesn’t respond, and that awful, guilty feeling from before rears its head as he walks away, but he shoves it down before it can make him change his mind.

His feet move without thinking, taking the familiar path he’d treaded so many times in his life, back when things were easy. He passes convenience stores that he hasn’t been to in years, past homes that have been painted a different color than they seem they should be in his memory. The rain is ceaseless, but he doesn’t pay it any mind, allowing the water to drench him from head to toe as he moves. It doesn’t matter. He’ll be where he needs to be soon enough, and nothing will matter after that.

The chill of the rain is just starting to soak in when he reaches that familiar house, the one he’d walked by a thousand times before and avoided passing a thousand more after. He stands on the doorstep, hand hovering centimeters away from the doorbell but refusing to ring it because what if things go wrong again? What if he gets hurt? What if he’s the one doing the hurting this time?

He takes a deep breath, banishing the doubts from his mind with a shake of his head and punching the doorknob with his thumb. His heart beats in time as he counts each second, his hands shaking by his sides. Water trails in rivulets down his fingers and drips onto the ground by his feet in a rhythm he does his best to focus on, hoping it will calm him down.

And then Rin is opening the door, because of course it’s Rin, because Haruka is too weak and too selfish and too stuck in the past to stay away from him. Because if he’s going to be hurt, it makes sense to be hurt by his own hand, instead of by the hand of fate. Because he can’t handle another loss today. And Haruka is standing there, staring up at him, paralyzed by every emotion he’s allowed himself to feel in the past five years and every emotion he hasn’t. Rin’s eyes widen as he takes in Haruka’s appearance, the goggles still slung around his neck, the rain water dripping onto his front porch. His hands hover uncertainly at waist height, slightly outstretched as if he’d meant to reach out but had chosen to pull back instead.

“Haru…?” he half-asks, half-states, his voice trembling as if he doesn’t quite believe it. “What are you doing here?”

At the sound of his voice, Haruka unfreezes. He takes a step forward, then another, until he’s only a couple of centimeters away from Rin. He reaches up and grabs a handful of Rin’s shirt, and for the briefest of moments he wonders if he’s going to punch him, but instead he uses it to pull Rin down and closer still, until at last their lips meet.

It’s by no means perfect. Rin almost falls forward, barely managing to catch himself against the doorframe as Haruka pulls at his shirt, working his lips against Rin’s. He feels Rin’s sharp teeth catch against his lip and tastes a hint of blood, but it doesn’t stop him from biting back desperately, trying to convey pain and passion and hurt and anger and something awfully, dangerously close to love all at once. And he feels something spark in his heart, a feeling he hasn’t truly felt in years and years and years. He keeps his eyes closed tight as he moves his lips in tandem with Rin’s, hoping that his responsiveness is a good sign, because the last thing he needs right now is to be pushed away and rejected.

Rin doesn’t push him away, though. Not at first, at least. He takes a few seconds to move, but once he’s unfrozen himself his arms come up to rest on Haruka’s waist, his head bobbing as he kisses back. It’s only when they’ve both run out of breath that he pulls away, and only then does Haruka allow himself to open his eyes and take in the sight before him. Rin’s cheeks are flushed and his lips are a reddish pink, and he’s staring at Haruka in shock, in disbelief.

“What was…” he starts, but his voice trails off into nothing, as if he isn’t sure which question to ask first. Haruka lets out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding, unfisting Rin’s shirt and letting his hands fall.

“I lost the race,” he says, arms encircling Rin’s waist and pulling him closer. He leans his forehead against Rin’s shoulder and closes his eyes, breathing in the scent of sakura shampoo with a bit of chlorine. Rin’s been swimming, too, he thinks.

“Haru…” Rin says, bringing one hand up to splay against his back between his shoulder blades and using the other to stroke his hair. His movements are hesitant at first, but when Haruka doesn’t pull away, he seems to relax.

“I was thinking about you,” Haruka tells him with a huff of melancholic laughter. “About how you make everything better. And I thought that if I won, I wouldn’t need to hold onto you anymore. I’d have my friends, and they’d be enough to keep me going. But…”

“But?” Rin repeats questioningly.

“But it wasn’t enough,” Haruka finishes. “I needed you, too. I still do.”

They stand there for a while, neither of them saying a word. Rin lays his head atop Haruka’s, and Haruka steps closer and presses his body against Rin’s and lets tears he hasn’t let himself cry in years gather in his eyes at last. They slide down his cheeks and drip onto the sleeve of Rin’s shirt, mingling with the rain water from his hair.

“Are you okay?” Rin asks after a minute, pulling back to look Haruka in the eyes. His hands come up to frame Haruka’s face, wiping tears from the corners of his eyes.

“I am,” Haruka says, his lips curling up into a sad smile. “Now.”

And despite the guilt of betraying Nagisa and Makoto and himself, despite the series of losses from each of their races, despite everything that happened between them in the past and everything they still have to talk about, he finds that it’s true. He really is okay now.

Bad luck comes in threes. As Haruka intertwines his fingers with Rin’s and lets himself be pulled further into the house, he ticks the past few events off in his head. One, Rin’s reappearance, and his transfer to Iwatobi High School. Two, the fire that had taken his home from him, and had almost taken the both of them along with it. Three, the tournament, and the losses the swim club had suffered earlier in the day.

He figures that after all he’s been through, it’s time for a change in the tides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon divergence notes:  
> \- because rin wasn't in the tournament, haruka would have won the race. however, because he didn't have rin to compete against, he wasn't as motivated and let himself fall into second place.  
> \- because gou wasn't the manager of the swim club, she never had the chance to sign them up for the relay.


	5. July

Haruka is starting to wonder if bad luck doesn’t come in threes, after all.

Because Rin coming back is starting to feel like the best thing that’s happened to him in a long, long time.

All of a sudden, it’s like the world has righted itself, like it’s trying to make up for all that it’s put him through. He has Rin now, in every way he’s ever dreamed of having him. Rin, who’d caused him unimaginable pain and had probably been through the same pain himself, only now he’s here in Haruka’s arms, intertwining their fingers together and smiling down at him with a soft, loving look on his face. And he has his friends, too--Makoto, and Nagisa, and Rei. Even Gou has decided to join them; she and Nagisa get along just as well as they had when they were young.

Of course, not everything can be perfect, and not everything is. Sometimes Rin will be quiet, and when Haruka will smooth his hand over his face and lean in to give him a kiss he’ll shy away, stand and move somewhere else with a murmured apology on his lips. Haruka does his best not to take it personally; he knows that Rin means well. He never explains why he pushes Haruka away, but it’s not hard to figure out that he feels guilty. And no matter how many times Haruka tells him it’s okay now, reminds him that he’s forgiven, there are times when it still isn’t enough. Sometimes Rin is inconsolable, and Haruka doesn’t know how to make him better.

Things are stiff between him and Makoto, as well, and the cause is undoubtedly Haruka’s newfound relationship with Rin. He does his best to be conscious of his friends when they’re all together, but it’s hard to balance when anything Rin does seems to set Makoto off. And the worst part is that Makoto is  _ right _ to be upset. Haruka hasn’t forgotten the things that Rin had said to them, the ways he’d hurt them. Not only does Makoto have a right to hate Rin, it’s probably healthier that he does. And yet Haruka can’t make himself regret going to Rin’s house that day after the tournament, not when being around him is as good as breathing for the first time in half a decade.

Unlike Makoto, Nagisa welcomes Rin and Gou back into their group with open arms. The day that Rin comes to join them during lunch, his fingers tangled with Haruka’s nervously, Nagisa practically jumps into his arms like an excited puppy.

“Rin-chan, you’re back!” he cries, his whole face lighting up like a child on Christmas morning.

Makoto’s head snaps up, eyes zeroing in on Rin in an instant. His shoulders tense, his expression turning to shock, then something close to anger. Rin swallows audibly from his place next to Haruka, who gives his hand a reassuring squeeze before leading him further onto the roof.

“Rin is eating with us today,” he says evenly, and Makoto tenses even further at his words.

“Haru…” he says, his expression tight and disbelieving. “Are you- Are you really going to-”

“It’s okay, Makoto,” Haruka says, sitting down and pulling Rin into sitting next to him, with an excited Nagisa on his other side. “Everything’s okay now.”

“Okay?” Makoto repeats, eyes wide, betrayal written all over his face. “Haru, you don’t actually believe him, do you? After everything he did?”

“I should go,” Rin says, pulling his hand out of Haruka’s and standing to leave. He’s trembling ever so slightly, and his eyes are full of sorrow and pain.

“Don’t leave,” Haruka says automatically, a wave of panic overtaking him. “Please, Rin. Makoto, let him stay.”

Makoto opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. His eyebrows draw together into a frown, and when he looks away from them Haruka feels a pang of guilt shoot through him.  _ I’m sorry, _ he thinks, eyes lowering to the ground as Rin sits back down next to him.  _ I know I shouldn’t forgive and forget so easily, but I didn’t have a choice. I can’t do it without him anymore. _

“Um…” Nagisa trails off, looking between the three third years unsurely. “Oh, Rei-chan! You haven’t met Rin yet, have you?”

“Not officially,” Rei responds, just as unsure. “But Nagisa-kun, is it really a good idea for me to-”

“Rin-chan, this is Rei!” Nagisa interrupts in an overly cheerful voice. “He swims butterfly, just like you!”

“Nice to meet you,” Rin says quietly, bowing his head. “I hope we can become friends, Rei.”

Haruka pretends not to hear Makoto snort at that.

“It’s a pleasure, Rin-chan-san,” Rei agrees, bowing back. “I look forward to getting to know you.”

“Agreed,” Rin says. His hand finds Haruka’s again; his palms are sweaty, but he’s stopped shaking for the most part.

Nagisa does the majority of the talking, bouncing back and forth between each of their friends and doing his best to pull them into the conversation. Rei seems to ease into it fairly easily, and although he still seems concerned with Rin’s connection to his friends’ past, he starts to become equally interested in Rin as a person and a friend. By the time they have to go back to class, he’s already agreed to let Rin coach him through learning the other strokes during their next club meeting. Makoto, on the other hand, doesn’t let his guard down throughout the entirety of the lunch. He answers Nagisa’s prompts with short, clipped sentences, and the one time Rin tries to speak to him, he doesn’t answer at all. Haruka feels guilt pull at his heart yet again, but before he can try to fix things between the two of them, Nagisa is reaching into his school bag and pulling out an old, familiar polaroid camera.

“I had a feeling I’d get a chance to use this today!” he exclaims, lifting it to his eye and aiming it at Rin. “Just like old times, right, Mako-chan?”

“Sure,” Makoto says, but his tone is off, like he doesn’t believe it in the slightest.

“Smile, everyone!” Nagisa calls, taking a step back and sticking his tongue out in concentration. Haruka doesn’t smile, but he does lean closer to Rin as Nagisa takes the photo. And when the bell rings and the others start to pack up, when Nagisa passes by and slips the photo into Haruka’s bag with a knowing look, he wonders what he did to deserve friends as good as the ones he has.

* * *

“Are you sure you don’t want to come in?” Haruka asks, glancing back towards the Tachibana household. They’re standing together on the sidewalk, hand in hand, and despite the fact that it’s late and Rin still has to get home, he’s doing his best to prolong their time together.

“I can’t,” Rin says quietly, lifting Haruka’s hand to his lips and pressing an apology to his knuckles. “I’ve still got homework for tomorrow.”

“I could help you with it,” Haruka offers, even though he knows it’s futile. Even if they didn’t have things to do before the day ends, he’s pretty sure Rin wouldn’t dare step foot inside Makoto’s house with the way things are between them. It’s hard enough to keep him from eating lunch alone instead of sitting with them, and Haruka had already failed to recruit him to the swim team the first time he’d brought it up. Rin still harbors so much guilt from the past, and Haruka has a feeling that being around his old friends does nothing to ease it. Still, he can’t help but want Rin around him every chance he gets, especially after all this time apart.

“That’s okay,” Rin says, dropping Haruka’s hand reluctantly. “Gou will want me to eat dinner with her and my mom. I’ll see you tomorrow, though.”

“Okay…” Haruka agrees, albeit reluctantly. He hates saying goodbye to Rin--something about parting ways strikes fear into his heart, and even though he  _ wants _ to trust that Rin is telling the truth, it’s still hard to believe sometimes.

Even he has doubts, much as he hates to admit it.

“Text me later, if you want to,” Rin says, taking a step back. “I’ll keep my phone on me, okay?”

“Okay,” Haruka agrees with a nod. “Get home safe.”

“I will,” Rin promises, waving. “Go on. I’ll text you once I’m at home.”

Haruka nods again, turning towards the house. Most of the lights are still on; he can see shadows moving inside of Makoto’s room, flitting this way and that behind the curtains. He wonders if Makoto was waiting up for him, or if he’s just not tired yet. Either way, Haruka should probably make some attempt at spending time together; he and Makoto haven’t had many chances to hang out ever since he and Rin started… Started whatever they’ve decided to call this thing going on between them.

He reaches the steps, the automatic light switching on as he moves past the sensor. Against his better judgement, he casts a glance over his shoulder. Rin is still standing there watching him, illuminated by the soft light of a passing car’s headlights, and as the light casts stretching shadows across his face, Haruka thinks he’s never looked more beautiful.

He tears his eyes away, turning his back to Rin and reaching for the door handle instead. The hallway light is on, as if somebody had left it on for him, and even though it’s a gesture of warm welcome from the Tachibanas, it still doesn’t make the house any closer to being his home.

He toes off his shoes at the entrance, padding through the hallway quietly in the hopes that he doesn’t disturb Ren and Ran. The house is quiet as he makes his way towards the stairs, hoisting his school bag over his shoulder as he goes. He’s tired, but he still needs to do his homework, still needs to try and patch things up with Makoto before he’s able to go to bed.

“I’m back,” he calls quietly, nudging the door to Makoto’s room open and stepping inside. He drops his bag to the ground and looks up, expecting to see his friend doing school work at his desk, or reading on his bed, or maybe picking up the few scattered clothes across his floor. Instead he’s met with the sight of Makoto sitting by the corner of his futon, an array of old polaroids spread out around him.

Haruka’s mouth goes dry.

“So this is where you kept them,” Makoto says quietly, keeping his eyes on the photographs in front of him. “I was wondering where they went.”

“You knew I saved them?” Haruka asks, guilt settling into the pit of his stomach.

“I had a feeling,” Makoto replies. “That box at the hospital looked awfully familiar.”

Haruka opens his mouth to apologize, but nothing comes out. He knows he should say something, explain why the photos were important enough to go back for or why he’d hidden them from everyone, but he finds himself tongue tied.

Makoto speaks before he can figure out what it is he needs to say. “Haru… Do you really think you can trust him again?” he asks, and it’s Haruka doesn’t even need to look at the photo in his hand to figure out who he’s talking about, but he does anyway. It’s the polaroid from the day of the relay, the one Hazuki-san had taken for them right after they’d won their race. The reflection of the bedroom light on the shiny photo paper whites out Rin’s face, as if the universe is trying its hardest to point him out to Haruka.

“I trust him,” Haruka says, eyes fixed on the photo so he doesn’t have to see Makoto’s expression. He’s not sure if he believes himself, but  _ oh  _ how he wishes that he did.

“You do?” Makoto asks, and from his tone it’s clear that Haruka hasn’t convinced him, either. “After everything he did to us back in elementary school? He  _ left _ us, Haru. Like we were nothing. And all those things he said before he went away… Don’t you remember?”

“Of course I do,” Haruka grits out shakily.  _ How could I possibly forget? How could any of us forget? _

“But you forgave him,” Makoto says, his voice quiet even in the silence of the bedroom. “Why?”

_ Why? Why did I forgive him? _

_ Because I need him. Because I’m weak, and selfish, and horrible. _

_ And because he needs me, too. _

_ I didn’t have a choice. _

“I can’t hate him anymore,” Haruka whispers, turning his head away. “I can’t, Makoto.”

“And  _ I _ can’t just stand by and watch you get hurt,” Makoto says, frustration clear in his voice. “I don’t want  _ any  _ of us to get hurt. I’m sorry, Haru, but I can’t trust him again. Not after what he did.”

Haruka stares down at the ground, shoulders tense, hands curled into fists at his sides. He’s torn between defending Rin and admitting his doubts to Makoto, and not for the first time he finds himself wishing that he could go back and change the past, keep Rin from leaving for Australia and from lashing out at all of them. If he could just give Rin a reason to stay in Iwatobi, maybe everything else would work out better for all of them. Maybe they wouldn’t have been burned, wouldn’t have spent so much time missing each other and wishing that they didn’t.

But he can’t change the past, and neither can Rin. They can only move forward from here.

“I trust him,” he says again, lifting his head and catching Makoto’s eye. “I know that you don’t, and maybe Nagisa doesn’t, either. But I do. And all I want is for you to give him a chance.”

Makoto stares at him in silence for a few moments, eyes growing sadder by the second. It tears at Haruka’s heart, but he doesn’t take his statement back, even when the quiet stretches out into something unbearable.

“I don’t know if I can,” Makoto says at last, his eyes dropping back down to the photograph in his hand. “I don’t think I have it in me to forgive him.”

“Try,” Haruka whispers, his voice a quiet plea. “That’s all I’m asking.”

Makoto says nothing. He sets the relay photo down and starts to stack the others on top of it, one by one, until they become a neat pile of polaroids at the corner of his futon. Wordlessly, he turns his back on Haruka and lies down on his bed, face to the wall as if he can’t even look at Haruka anymore.

Haruka ignores the pain in his heart and reaches up to turn the lights off, lying down as well and closing his eyes as if he can make his problems disappear if he chooses not to look at them.

If only it were that easy.

* * *

Haruka has a nightmare, this time. He’s being pulled in two separate directions, stretched so far he thinks he might snap in half. To his left, three hands grip at his wrist; a young Makoto, a tiny Nagisa, and a little blue-haired boy he assumes must be Rei. Their faces are twisted with anger, hurt, sorrow; Nagisa’s eyes are filled with tears, while Makoto looks as determined as he had the day he’d asked Haruka to join the swim club. To his right, only one pair of hands pulls at him; Rin’s long, elegant fingers encircle his wrist, calloused and rough and warm. His eyes are full of pain, sadness from five years’ worth of guilt dancing within them.

Haruka opens his mouth to try and speak, to yell for them to  _ stop, please don’t do this! _ but something cold and plastic strapped around his head prevents him from calling out. He blinks, turning his attention to the now familiar oxygen mask attached to his nose and mouth, its plastic cord trailing off into the distance until he can’t see it anymore. Smoke fills his lungs as his friends continue to pull at him with increasing desperation, nails digging into his skin until they draw blood. He grasps at his friends’ hands with his own, wrapping his fingers around their wrists and pulling with all of his strength. He has to keep them together, has to keep everything balanced between them. If he chooses to go with one, he’ll lose the other, and that’s something he absolutely can’t afford. He can’t live without either of them.

Fire flashes behind his eyes as something inside of him snaps. He lets out an ear-splitting cry as his vision whites out, and suddenly it feels as if he’s been dropped into the ocean, left to float in a sea of unconscious thoughts and half-memories. And when he fights past the sick feeling inside of him and opens his eyes, he sees two of himself; one slumped against Rin’s chest, arms thrown around his body, and one holding one of Makoto’s hands and one of Nagisa’s, with young Rei holding the other two.

Both of the Harukas turn to look at him, their movements perfectly in sync, and at first their eyes are full of a bright, white light like that of headlights on a car. But then the light fades, replaced with pools of deep blue that are filled with so much anguish that it shakes him to his core. He’s never seen a person with so much grief on their face, so much suffering shining through the cracks in their perfectly constructed masks.

He looks down, raises each of his hands as if he can pull the two of them together again, make himself whole the way he’s supposed to be, and it’s only then that he sees the two halves of a scorched, bloody, human heart that rest on each of them.

Haruka shoots up, eyes flying open as his hands come to clutch at his chest. He gasps for air, sick and trembling, skin beaded with sweat, heart pounding as fast as a hummingbird’s. His fingers dig into the fabric of his shirt as if clinging onto something else, something that isn’t there, as he struggles to take a breath, to calm himself down.

_ It was just a dream, _ he tells himself, shoulders hunching forward as if it will protect him from his nightmare.  _ It wasn’t real. It was just a dream. _

But even after his breathing slows, even after his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room and his body stops shaking and his fingers relax their hold, he can’t get the image of the two halves of the heart out of his mind. And he wonders if maybe it’s a warning from his own heart, being pulled in half every second of every day until it tears in two; one side for Rin, and one for his friends.

And if that’s the case, how much time does he have left?


	6. August

August brings with it the annual Iwatobi Summer Fishing Festival, and with that comes the endless pestering from Nagisa until they all agree to go together. Makoto is hesitant at first, especially when Rin finally breaks down and agrees to accompany them, but all it takes is a puppy-dog look for him to agree as well. Makoto has always been weak for his friends, and even after all this time, Nagisa still knows how to manipulate his kindness.

They meet at the entrance to the festival, Nagisa and Rei arriving minutes after Haruka shows up with Makoto. Nagisa is in his old yellow and white yukata, while Rei has chosen a less flashy indigo blue.

“We’re over here, guys!” Makoto calls, waving them over while Haruka stares down at the ground. Nagisa bounces over happily, readjusting the bag around his shoulder as he goes.

“This is gonna be so much fun!” he exclaims, a wide grin stretched across his face. “I can’t wait for the food! Oh, Mako-chan, are you gonna get another goldfish? I bet Rei-chan could win one, too!”

“Slow down, Nagisa,” Makoto laughs, and Haruka breathes a sigh of relief as he does. He hasn’t seen Makoto at ease in a while, so it’s nice to finally see him smile again.

Fortunately and unfortunately, Rin chooses that exact moment to tap him on the shoulder. Haruka turns, both happy to see his friend-who-he-sometimes-kisses and anxious about the four of them being in close proximity for the rest of the night. He’s been lucky so far and nothing too confrontational has happened since his conversation with Makoto back in July, but it still feels like the conflict is bubbling under the surface, waiting for a chance to boil over.

Rin is wearing a black yukata with a gray obi, and his hair looks soft and freshly washed and incredibly tempting to comb through. And surprisingly enough, he isn’t alone. On his left stands Gou, smiling up at the four of them, and on his right stands an uncomfortable looking Yamazaki, rubbing the back of his neck and looking as if he’d rather be anywhere else.

“I…” Rin says, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “I brought some friends. I hope that that’s okay. Actually, I probably should have asked before, but-”

“Gou-chan!” Nagisa interrupts, throwing himself at Rin’s sister merrily. “It’s been a while since we hung out outside of school, hasn’t it? I’m glad we finally get to spend some time together!”

“Hey, Nagisa-kun!” Gou protests, the polite smile dropping off of her face. “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Kou?”

Haruka peeks at Makoto out of the corner of his eye, but his expression is cold and unreadable. His heart sinks in his chest; he’d been hoping that Makoto would finally come around and give Rin another chance, especially after he’d agreed to go as a group with everyone else.

“And who is this?” Nagisa continues, turning his attention on a bothered-looking Yamazaki. “You’re Rin’s friend from Sano Elementary, right?”

“Yes,” Yamazaki says with a short, clipped nod. “Yamazaki Sousuke.”

“Nice to meet you, Sou-chan!” Nagisa chirps happily. “I’m Nagisa, and that’s Rei-chan! You already know Mako-chan and Haru-chan, right?”

“Er…” Yamazaki trails off, looking mildly uncomfortable. “We’ve met once or twice.”

“It’s nice to see you again, Sousuke,” Makoto says, his stony expression lifting slightly as if he’s trying to be polite to Yamazaki and ice out Rin at the same time. “Thank you for coming.”

Nagisa gives an excited  _ whoop! _ and reaches into the bag around his shoulder, pulling out the old, battered camera he’s been hauling around more and more often. “Everyone, stay where you are! I’m gonna take a picture!”

“Nagisa-kun, at least ask for their permission first!” Rei protests, but Nagisa is already turning the camera to face him and moving around as he tries to get everyone in the shot. Haruka feels Rin press up against his left, taking his hand and squeezing it tightly instead of the old way he used to drape himself across his shoulders. It’s different, although not entirely unwelcome.

“Say cheese!” Nagisa calls, holding up a peace sign with his free hand as a flash of white light erupts around them. Haruka blinks a couple of times, trying to rid his vision of the after-flash. When he looks up, Nagisa is tucking the camera back into his bag and holding the new polaroid delicately between two fingers.

“Where should we go first?” Rei asks, looking around at the nearest booths. “Is anyone hungry?”

“I want candy apples!” Nagisa exclaims, practically bouncing in place.

“I could eat,” Rin agrees, and Haruka’s heart swells at the lack of hesitance in his voice. Maybe tonight is the night Rin finally feels comfortable enough to be himself around the rest of them.

“Me, too,” Gou adds, smiling up at her brother proudly. “Let’s see what they’re selling, onii-chan!”

“As long as they have taiyaki,” Yamazaki agrees, and despite their strained relationship, Haruka can’t help but be glad that he seems to be getting along with the others well enough.

Nagisa leads the way, stopping every few booths to look over the foods they’re selling. They end up stopping at a candy apple stand first--Nagisa buys one for himself and one for Yamazaki as an act of new friendship, while Rin surprises everyone by buying one as well. (Haruka isn’t very hungry, but he does allow Rin to share part of his. It’s sweet, and the candy coating crunches nicely between his teeth, but he prefers to steal the sweetness straight from Rin’s lips instead.)

Nagisa ends up buying mostly sweets, while Rei gravitates towards more savory foods. Only Makoto refrains from getting any food at all, preferring to stay quiet at the back of the group despite all of Nagisa’s attempts to get him to try his sweets. And Haruka knows he should try to bring him into the conversation too, but there’s already so much going on. Rin is getting comfortable around the others, Nagisa keeps taking polaroids at every opportunity, Yamazaki is actually being civil to him for once, and soon enough he forgets about the conflict between his friends and allows himself to relax and enjoy the moment.

It’s been so long since he’s been this happy, this free. He doesn’t remember the last time he’d smiled this much, had this much fun. Surely it couldn’t have been all the way back in elementary school, could it? He must have felt this way somewhere between then and now.

And yet he can’t recall a single time where that was the case.

“The fireworks are gonna start soon!” Nagisa exclaims as the others finish their food. “Let’s find a good place to watch them!”

“What about up there?” Rin suggests, pointing up to a fence-lined viewing area up a set of stairs at the back of the festival. “I bet it’ll be less crowded than down at the beach.”

“Yeah! Good idea, Rin-chan!”

“You guys go,” Gou tells them, patting Rin on the back. “I’m going to find mom. She said she’d drop by a little later.”

“I’ll come with you,” Yamazaki adds, although something tells Haruka that he’s not just doing it to be nice. He’s not sure what Rin told him about their relationship, but if the sideways glances he’s been getting all night are anything to go by, it probably didn’t include the whole kissing and holding hands part.

Then again, Rin has always been rather clingy.

He drops back a bit and falls into step with Makoto on his left and Rin on his right, letting the two first years take the lead once again as they climb up to the viewing area. The first of the fireworks are starting to go off when they reach the top, bursting in explosions of color and light that fill the entire town with sound.

“Wow, look at that one, Rei-chan!” Nagisa cries, pointing up at the sky excitedly. “It looks like a dandelion!”

_ It looks more like Rin’s eyes than a dandelion, _ Haruka thinks, pressing closer to Rin’s side. He’s not wrong--the firework is bright and red, with a million different colors dancing along the edges like glitter or stardust or something in between. He lets himself get lost in the patterns: a set of lime green fireworks that explode one after another like a caterpillar, a huge purple explosion that sets off a number of smaller white circles, and a set of ten bluish fireworks that look like drops of water on the surface of a pool.

“Is it over?” Nagisa asks once the last of the blue light fades from the sky.

“They’re probably just setting up the bigger displays,” Rei tells him, pointing down towards the beach where the fireworks are being set off. “There’ll be more in a minute.”

“Then let’s go get some more food!”

“Nagisa, you just ate,” Rin laughs, and Haruka feels a swell of happiness in his chest at the sound.

“But I’m hungry again!” Nagisa protests with a frown. “Come on, Rin-chan, I’ll buy you some meat!”

“Well, I’m not gonna say no to that,” Rin chuckles. “What about you, Haru? Want me to get you some mackerel?”

“I can get my own mackerel,” Haruka says, his mind darting back to the grilled fish booth they’d passed earlier. Now that he thinks about it, he hasn’t had a lot to eat today. Getting a late meal certainly couldn’t hurt.

“Then let’s go!” Nagisa cheers, pulling Rei back towards the stairs. “Come on, Rei-chan!”

Haruka shakes his head fondly, following the first years towards the stairs.  _ Nagisa and his bottomless stomach, _ he thinks to himself with an exasperated huff.  _ That much hasn’t changed at all. _

It’s only when he turns to his left that he notices that Makoto isn’t by his side anymore.

Confused, he turns around, scanning the mostly empty viewing area for any signs of his friend. Maybe he’s in the bathroom, or maybe he’d wandered off on his own, perhaps to find something for Ren and Ran. (Haruka has a vague memory of the twins asking him to win them a prize since they aren’t allowed to go to the festival yet.)

His confusion only grows when he sees Makoto standing by himself a few feet back the way they’d come from, eyes fixed on the ground.

“Makoto…?” he questions, tugging Rin to a stop by his side. Nagisa and Rei pause as well, turning back to stare back at the three of them.

“Makoto-senpai, are you alright?” Rei asks, taking a step towards Makoto. “Are you feeling sick?”

“What’s wrong, Makoto?” Haruka repeats, concern worming its way into his chest and only growing as he notices his friend’s posture. His shoulders are tense, hands clenched into fists at his sides, and he’s trembling ever so slightly, like a leaf in the wind. Something is wrong.

“I…” Makoto starts, his eyebrows scrunching together. “I can’t… do this anymore.”

“Mako…chan?” Nagisa echoes, eyes wide. All of a sudden he looks so young, just like he had the day after the relay.

“I  _ said _ ,” Makoto continues, his voice tight and tense, “I  _ can’t do this anymore _ .”

“Do what, Makoto-senp-”

“This!” Makoto snaps, lifting his head so quickly that Haruka almost takes a step back. “This whole… charade! Acting like nothing’s wrong, pretending we can just move past that day back in elementary school…”

“Makoto, don’t,” Haruka interrupts, stepping in front of Rin as if he can block Makoto’s words from passing through. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes I do!” Makoto snaps, eyes wide. “And I thought you would agree with me! You, of all people… I thought you’d be the last person to forgive  _ him _ for what he said.”

“Mako-chan…” Nagisa starts, eyes growing sad.

“What are you all talking about?” Rei asks, looking back and forth between the four of them. “I don’t understand…”

“ _ Rin _ here isn’t the person you think he is,” Makoto says, and if Haruka isn’t mistaken, he’s shaking even more violently now. “He’s a liar, and a fake… He’s  _ awful _ .”

“I-” Rin says, his eyes wide and shining with emotion, all traces of his earlier ease gone. “I’m sor-”

“ _ Don’t, _ ” Makoto hisses, whipping around to face him. “Don’t apologize. You think- You really think a few  _ sorrys _ here and there will fix everything? After  _ everything you’ve done? _ ”

“Makoto, please,” Haruka says, reaching out with his free hand, but Makoto only shakes his head and takes a step back.

“You never should have come back,” he says, eyes flashing towards Rin. “You should have left us for good. We were fine the way we were, before you came and hurt us all over again.”

“Makoto-senpai…?”

“I tried for you, Haru,” Makoto says quietly, and the worst part is that he actually sounds regretful, as if he’s the one who needs to apologize. “I did. But I can’t forgive him right now. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”

And with that he turns, and disappears into the night.

“Mako-chan, wait!” Nagisa calls, turning on his heel and racing after him.

“I… I shouldn’t be here,” Rin whispers, pulling his hand out of Haruka’s with a sharp tug. “I’m being selfish. Please excuse me…”

Before Haruka can call out and stop him, he’s drifting away, every step he takes pulling at Haruka’s heart as if it’s close to tearing in two. His right hand comes up to grip at the front of his yukata, his left stalled halfway between his side and the space Rin disappeared into.  _ Come back, _ he wants to say, to beg, but there’s no one there to hear him, and his mouth is too dry and his eyes are too wet and-

“We have to do something!” Rei is saying, stepping in front of him. “Haruka-senpai, are you listening? What just happened?”

“Rin…” Haruka manages, swallowing down the cries that want to escape his lips. “He…”

“What is it?” Rei asks, desperation evident in his voice. “What happened between the four of you? What exactly did Rin-san  _ do _ ?”

“He… Rin…” Haruka tries, his throat closing up. He feels numb, like time has stopped and sped up and gone backwards all at once, and the sentences he needs refuse to form in his head, and all he wants is for his friends to come back,  _ please come back! _

“Haruka,  _ please _ ,” Rei begs. “I need to  _ understand _ .”

“He…” Haruka tries again, blinking. “He… hurt us. Back in elementary school. He… said things--about us, about our friendship… He said…”

**I’m leaving for Australia. I’ll probably never see you again.**

“He said…”

**I never cared about any of you.**

“He…”

**You were a stepping stone, nothing more. Thinking that we were friends was idiotic, especially for you.**

“Haruka-senpai,” Rei says urgently, and all of a sudden there’s a hand on his shoulder, shaking him back to the present. “I want to know what happened. And I understand that it’s hard to go back and explain. But right now I need you here, with me. I need you to find Rin-san--I’ll go after Makoto-senpai and Nagisa-kun. Can you do that, Haruka?”

Haruka blinks, once, twice, then again, before nodding slowly. Time rushes back, the quiet murmurs of the onlookers filling his ears, the bright light of a firework in the distance flashing shades of blue across Rei’s face. He’s not in the past anymore. He’s in the present, in the here and now, and he has people who are depending on him.

“I’ll find him,” Haruka says with a nod, determination overtaking him. “Call me once you find Makoto and Nagisa. And see if you can track down Yamazaki and Gou, too. They might know where he went.”

“I will!” Rei says, clearly relieved that Haruka is, for the most part, back to attention. He spins on his heel and takes off in the direction of the others, leaving Haruka to go the opposite way.

He does his best not to trip over his yukata as he runs, head swiveling this way and that in search of a familiar head of red hair, ears straining to pick up a familiar voice from within the crowd. People cast strange looks in his direction as he dashes past them, but none of that matters anymore. Rin is the only thing on his mind, the only thing he cares about.

Fear and worry settle deep in the pit of his stomach, only growing stronger as the minutes tick by with no sign of his friends. He wonders distantly if Makoto is okay, if he’ll be mad at Haruka when they finally meet up again. It wouldn’t be unjustified for him to not want to talk to Haruka, especially after he’d chosen to go after Rin instead. After all, they’ve been best friends since they were kids, and yet Haruka has been letting his relationship with Rin dictate his choices more and more often over the past couple of months.

He prays that Makoto is okay, safe and calm surrounded by Rei and Nagisa and perhaps Gou and Yamazaki, but most of his attention is drawn to the disappearance of Rin. What if Makoto’s words are enough to drive Rin away again, to make him leave them in the hopes of making things go back to the way they were? It would make sense--Rin  _ has _ been trying to distance himself from the others to ease his guilt at storming back into their lives. It’s a fair assumption to make that they wouldn’t want him around after what he’d done, and even though he and Nagisa have been trying their best to make him feel welcome, there’s still a strange tenseness between their group of friends, as if everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But maybe it already has.

Maybe this is it--the last straw before he’s forced to take sides, or to lose both Rin and Makoto. Maybe he’s used up all of his good luck, and now it’s time for the universe to balance itself out once again.

_ Or maybe, _ he thinks, catching sight of a flash of red around the corner,  _ maybe I have just a little bit more left. _

“Rin?” he calls, rounding the corner. He inhales sharply as he sees that it is indeed Rin, waiting for the light to change at the crosswalk. He’s not gone yet; he’s  _ right there _ , just a few steps away, and a few steps from disappearing again, from leaving just as abruptly as he’d came back. And all of a sudden Haruka feels frozen on the spot, unable to move a muscle, to reach out and pull him back to them. Fear has paralyzed him, stuck him in place, and all he has left is his voice.

“Rin!” he yells as the light finally changes, desperate for Rin to hear. To come back to them, to  _ stay _ with them, to not take another step. He can’t lose him a second time, he can’t go through another minute of his life where Rin isn’t there with him. They’ve only just gotten him back, and now everything is falling apart again, and the universe  _ can’t take him away, not already! _

“ _ RIN!!! _ ” he screams, tears gathering in his eyes. And this time, it seems to work. Rin stops in the middle of the crosswalk at the sound of his name, turning back to face Haruka. His face is a contortion of pain and sorrow and regret all at once, a medley of emotion, and yet he’s still as beautiful Haruka has ever seen him. His hair blows in the wind, smooth and soft looking, and his eyes flash in the dim light of the moon. And as a pair of headlights turn the corner, as a horn blares a warning, as his eyes widen the instant before the impact, Haruka wonders what he did to deserve to love someone as bright and strong and wonderful as Matsuoka Rin.


	7. August

Bad luck comes in threes.

As Haruka screams Rin’s name, as he rushes forward and takes Rin’s head in his hands, begs him to wake up with tears streaming down his face and gathering at the point of his chin, as he’s pushed out of the way of the crash by the hands of paramedics he’s never met before, memories of the past three events flash through his head, one after another.

The fire.

The relay.

The crash.

The fire.

The relay.

The crash.

Because of course Rin coming back wasn’t bad luck. How could it have been? How could Haruka have ever thought that Rin shouldn’t be here, wished that he would leave all over again, when all he’s ever wanted is for Rin to stay? The universe is cruel in its kindness, cruel in the way it gives gifts wrapped up in a way that makes them look like burdens, unwelcome and unwanted. And him? He’s a fool for falling for its trickery.

He sits on the corner of the street and watches, helpless, as they move Rin from the ground to a stretcher, watches as his blood drips off the sides and creates tiny red raindrops on the ground. At some point somebody had given him a shock blanket, and now it rests heavy against his shoulders, and he can’t help but wish that it was Rin lying against him instead. Wish that he could turn back time and stop himself from calling out, or push Rin out of the way, or do  _ anything _ to keep him safe.

But there’s no point in wishing now.

He stays at the side of the road minutes after the ambulance leaves, letting each second blend into the next as he stares at the splatter of blood on the street. Police cars come to surround the area, their sirens barely cutting into his consciousness, and yet he still refuses to move. One officer tries to speak with him, but he can’t make out what she’s saying, and eventually she decides to leave him alone.

It’s only when his phone buzzes in his pocket, reminding him of its presence with gentle vibrations, that he snaps out of his trance. Haruka lets it ring itself back to silence, barely having the energy to move, but a minute later it starts buzzing again.

Reluctantly he lifts one of his hands, brushes tears off of his cheek and reaches into his pocket to answer whoever it is that’s calling him. He doesn’t recognize the caller ID, but he flips the phone open anyway, holding it up to his ear.

“Haruka-senpai?”

It’s Gou.

“Haruka-senpai, thank goodness! Mom just got a call--is Rin okay? Are you with him? How bad was the crash?”

Her voice is shaking, as if she’s doing her best to hold back tears, and Haruka feels his throat close up even more at the sound. He tries to speak, but all that comes out is a quiet inhale, a shuddery breath.

“We’re on our way to the hospital now,” Gou says, pausing to sniff a shaky inhale. “Please, Haruka, please keep my brother safe until we arrive…”

Haruka doesn’t have the strength to tell her that he’s not with her brother--he hadn’t bothered to ask if he could stay with Rin on the ride to the hospital, and he knows better than to think that he’d be allowed to visit so soon after the crash, especially with Rin still unconscious.

_ What if he never wakes up? _ a small, ugly part of his brain wonders, but Haruka pushes the thought out of his head as soon as it pops up. He doesn’t want to think about what ifs right now, not when there are so many of them out there.

“Please keep him safe, Haruka,” Gou says again, and then the line clicks dead.

* * *

Haruka doesn’t go to the hospital.

He doesn’t go because he knows exactly what to expect. Looks of sorrow, of pity, from the doctors and nurses and receptionists. Anguished family members in the hallways, waiting tearfully for news about their loved ones. Hours upon hours of listening to the same sentence over and over again--we don’t know, we don’t know,  _ we don’t know _ \--until at last the doctor comes out of Rin’s room and they finally get to know exactly what Haruka did to him. He can’t stomach the thought of being there with Gou and Matsuoka-san and whoever else might be there, knowing that it’s his fault that their son and their brother and their friend is stuck there in the first place.

He doesn’t go to the hospital, and he doesn’t go to Makoto’s house. God knows that facing the Tachibanas and their concern and never-ending love and support is almost worse than facing the Matsuokas and their tears and fear and despair. He doesn’t deserve to be around either of them, after what he’s done. So instead he turns down familiar winding streets, lets his feet carry him up an old stone staircase with the precision of somebody who’s walked the same path a thousand times. He doesn’t stop to play with Makoto’s favorite white street cat, or to say hello to the neighbors whose houses had survived the fire.

For the first time in months, he’s finally going home.

The house is the same as the last time he’d seen it--burnt to a crisp and gutted of all the old furniture, almost everything he’d grown up around gone forever. Broken splinters of wood lie around on the floor, abandoned to sit and rot in the rain. He picks his way over them, taking the stairs slowly as his hand drags behind him against what remains of the wall. He passes his bedroom with a glance, already knowing that there’s nothing in there but old, dusty memories of loneliness and sorrow. Instead his feet take him to the bathroom, to the bathtub he’d spent hours in over countless mornings before Makoto would come to collect him.

His eyes catch on a flash of movement as he heads towards the tub, even in the dark light of the empty room. He turns, frowning, only to see that it’s just his reflection in the mirror above the sink. It feels strange to see something intact and undamaged in his ghost of a house, untouched by the flames and the weeks that have passed.

He stares into the mirror, eyes raking over the hollow, ghostlike figure staring back at him. Blank blue eyes bore holes into his head, pale wet cheeks send flashes of a crumpled body in the middle of the street through his mind, and the single streak of blood across his forehead is so violently out of place that it makes him dizzy all of a sudden.

It was his fault.

It’s his fault that Makoto got angry. It’s his fault that they split up back at the viewing area. It’s his fault that Rin got hit. He’s the one who hurt his friends, he’s the one who caused them pain, made them go through the unimaginable.

And nothing he can say or do is going to make it better.

_ Stupid, _ he thinks to himself, his breath quickening, hands curling into fists at his sides.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid! It’s your fault they’re like this! You’re the one who did this to them! You’re the reason Makoto left everyone back there! You’re the reason Gou is crying! You’re the reason Rin might not wake up! It’s all your fault and they  _ know _ it and they  _ hate _ you! You’re selfish and terrible and you don’t deserve to be here! _

“Shut up,” Haruka whispers, his voice trembling. Tears gather at the corners of his eyes as he stares at himself in the mirror, stares at the blood on his face that he can’t bring himself to wipe away.

_ Rin could die because of you, _ his inner voice continues, relentless in its efforts to make him miserable.  _ And what would you do then? Go back to that sad, pathetic excuse of a life you’ve been living the past five years? But it would be even worse this time, wouldn’t it? Now that you have his life on your hands? Now that everybody knows it’s your fault? Could you live with what everyone thinks of you? _

_ Could you live with yourself? After what you did to them? _

_ After what you did to  _ him _? _

“SHUT UP!” Haruka roars, lifting his fist in one swift motion and smashing it into the mirror in front of him with all his might. A web of cracks spirals out from the point of contact, several small shards falling to the ground at his feet. Pain spikes through his hand, blood wells up in the cuts in his skin, and a few drops roll off of his fingers and onto the floor. And it’s still not enough, it doesn’t hurt  _ enough _ , nowhere near how much he deserves. So he pulls his hand back and drives it into the opposite side of the mirror with as much strength as he can muster, letting out a cry of pain as the glass cracks under his fist.

_ It’s not enough, _ he thinks again, shaking, as he punches the glass a third time, watching pieces of reflective mirror crack and shatter and fall to the ground around him. He hits it a fourth time, and a fifth, and then all of a sudden he’s screaming and sobbing and pummeling the mirror with both fists, droplets of blood and shards of glass littering the floor and pain blooming along his knuckles after every hit. He feels pieces of the mirror embed themselves into his skin, but it doesn’t stop him from smashing the mirror again and again and again, and the whole time he can’t stop thinking  _ I deserve this. I deserve the pain. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to be alone. _

It’s only when his broken, stinging fist hits the corkboard backing of the mirror that he stops, hands coming up to cover his face as he sinks to his knees in the middle of his cold, empty room, surrounded by sharp pieces of glass and drops of his own blood. He lets out a single pathetic sob, trembling as he doubles over until his forehead touches the cool tile of his old bathroom’s floor and letting the tears roll down his face and collect at the point of his nose, hands cupped around the back of his neck as if he can keep the world at bay by making himself as small as possible.

He wants Rin back. He wants his Rin back, it isn’t  _ fair _ . Why does the universe refuse to let them be together? Why can’t they just be happy? Why can’t Rin be alive and well, outside of the Tachibanas’ door kissing him goodnight? Why can’t Makoto stand at the door and wave goodbye as he walks off into the darkness, instead of hiding in his room pretending Rin doesn’t exist? Why can’t he join the swim club with Nagisa and Rei and convince them all to sign up for the relay because it was his father’s dream, so naturally he has to fulfil it? Why couldn’t he have been there all along?

_ Why did he have to leave them, that day after the relay? _

And for the first time since the summer before middle school, Haruka lets himself remember just exactly what happened the day he lost everything.

* * *

It’s deceivingly sunny when it happens.

The sky is clear and bright, a few fluffy white clouds filling the empty space, but leaving plenty of room for sunshine to get through. The four of them have just stepped outside, medals from the relay the day before in hand. To his left stand Nagisa and Makoto, staring down at their coppery circles of metal with fascination, and to his right stands Rin. His head is lowered, too, but his eyes stare at nothing.

“Is everything okay, Rin?” Makoto asks, looking up from studying his medal. “You’ve been quiet. Is something the matter?”

“I…” Rin starts, but his voice trails off before he can say the rest. The others wait as he struggles to form words, his face uncharacteristically serious.

“C’mon, Rin-chan!” Nagisa prods, ducking to catch Rin’s eye. “You can tell us if something’s wrong. We’re friends, after all!”

“Friends?” Rin repeats, and somehow it sounds as if he’s never heard the word before.

“Yeah!” Nagisa continues cheerily. “Best friends! And best friends tell each other everything!”

“Nagisa, don’t be nosy,” Makoto scolds, setting a hand on his shoulder. “Rin can tell us when he’s ready, if he wants to tell us at all. Right, Haru-chan?”

Haruka starts to say something offhanded, like  _ I don’t care _ or  _ Do what you want _ , but something makes him bite his tongue before he can. Instead he says, “Yeah,” and wonders if that’s too much or maybe not enough.

And then Rin lifts his head, and his expression changes, and Haruka has a sinking feeling that something bad is about to happen.

“I’m… leaving for Australia,” Rin announces in a voice that exudes false confidence. “I’ll probably never see you again.”

Haruka freezes. He swears for a second his heart stops beating.

“Wh… What?”

“You heard me,” Rin says, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m leaving. Going to a swimming school in Sydney to do professional training. And then I’m gonna become an olympic swimmer, just like my dad wanted to be.”

“You’re leaving?” Makoto repeats, eyes wide. “When?”

“...Tomorrow morning.”

_ Tomorrow morning? _ Haruka thinks, shocked.  _ What do you mean, tomorrow morning? You can’t be serious! _

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Nagisa asks, confusion and disbelief melded together on his face.

“Because…” Rin starts, his voice wavering for a second before he straightens back up again. “Because what would be the point in that?”

“We could have had more time to adjust,” Makoto points out. “Telling us the day before you go… Why would you do that?”

“It shouldn’t matter,” Rin says with a shrug, impossibly unaffected. “Sooner or later I would have disappeared, anyway.”

“You’re really going all the way to Sydney?” Nagisa asks, staring up at him sadly. “Will you visit us?”

“Visit?” Rin repeats, voice tight and mocking. “Why would I do that?”

“Because we’re friends,” Nagisa says, but now he doesn’t sound so sure. “We care about each other.”

“Oh, please,” Rin scoffs, his voice cold and distanced, as if the thought is ridiculous enough to laugh at, to brush off. “I never cared about any of you. Did you really think that I did?”

“Rin, you can’t say stuff like that!” Makoto protests, his voice going up in pitch in that familiar way that tells Haruka that he’s really, really upset. “Of course you care about us… Of  _ course _ you do. There’s no way that you actually…”

“That I actually don’t?” Rin finishes for him, eyes narrowing. His tone has changed, turned into a cold, dark mockery of his normal voice that Haruka has never heard before and never wants to hear again. “Why? Because we swam a stupid relay together?”

“ _ You _ were the one who wanted us to sign up!” Haruka points out, unable to stay silent a second longer. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. Rin is leaving… and  _ this _ is how he says goodbye?

“How stupid can you be, Haru?” Rin bites back with a sneer. “I only got you to sign up because you’re a good swimmer. You were a stepping stone, and nothing more. Thinking that we were friends was idiotic, especially for  _ you _ .”

“What does  _ that _ mean?” Haruka cries, his breath coming faster. This isn’t Rin, this  _ isn’t him _ , isn’t like him at all! Rin is kind and caring, playful, happy. He loves his friends more than anything in the world--he always has. Whatever’s going on must be some kind of fluke, a mistake on the universe’s part. The Rin he knows would never keep something like this from them, would never say the things that he’s saying.

But he did. And he is. And for the first time in his life, Haruka knows what it means to have his heart broken.

“It  _ means _ exactly this,” Rin snaps, fixing Haruka with a stare so cold and cruel and  _ off _ that it sends shivers up his spine. “I don’t care about you. I don’t care about  _ any _ of you. We aren’t friends. I’m not going to miss you when I’m gone. I won’t write, or call, or visit. Why should I? As far as I’m concerned, we’re nothing to each other anymore.”

“That’s not true, Rin-chan!” Nagisa yells, eyebrows drawing together into a wavery frown. “We’ll always be something to each other, no matter what you say!!!”

And for a split second, Rin looks so taken aback that Haruka thinks he might just snap out of whatever spell he’s under that’s making him act the way he is. But it’s gone in a flash, so quick that Haruka wonders if it was ever there to begin with.

“I guess I can’t help what you guys feel,” Rin says, turning his back and pulling the medal from around his neck. “But just so we’re clear, you’re nothing to me. And you never have been.”

The clink of cheap metal against pavement echoes in Haruka’s head like a gunshot, until it’s all he can hear, and all he can see is the back of Rin’s head as he rounds the corner, until the last part of him disappears out of sight. And he feels too many things at once, too much anger and shock and sadness and  _ fear _ clouding his brain until he can’t think anymore. He doesn’t understand what just happened, why Rin would ever say the things that he did when it’s so far off character for him to do so, why he would keep his departure a secret for so long only to reveal it at the last minute, and in the worst possible way.

All he knows is that Rin, or at least the kind, friendly, caring Rin he thought he knew, is gone. And chances are that he’s never coming back again.

* * *

Haruka wakes up shivering.

It’s cold--the kind of cold that seeps into your bones and stays there no matter how many layers you put on or how many blankets you bury yourself under. It takes him a minute to remember where he is; that he’d at some point fallen asleep on the tiles of his bathroom floor, surrounded by his own blood and broken bits of mirror. The second thing that he registers is his phone vibrating in his pocket, making a dull buzzing noise as it presses against the floor.

He blinks, moving his hand to reach for the phone and wincing as a stinging sensation shoots through his knuckles. He squints into the darkness and gasps softly as his eyes adjust, taking in the crusted blood that stains his skin, the bits of broken glass embedded into his hand. His head feels fuzzy, like static on an old TV, but he distantly remembers curling up on the floor without bothering to check on his wounds first. Of course they would hurt now, after being left with glass shards and untended cuts for who knows how long.

He braces himself, clenching his jaw and hissing in pain as he moves his hand down to his pants pocket, pulling out his phone and flipping it open with shaking fingers without bothering to check the caller ID. Whoever it is must have something important to say, if they’re calling this late at night.

“Haru-chan?” Makoto’s panicked voice crackles through the speaker. “Are you there? Where on Earth did you go? We’ve been looking for you for hours!”

“I’m here,” Haruka says hoarsely, his throat sore and scratchy.

“Oh, thank god!” Makoto exclaims, relief dripping from his voice. “We thought something terrible had happened to you, too! Where are you? My parents can come and pick you up.”

“I’m…” Haruka starts, then shakes his head, reaching up to press his other hand against his temple. “Rin…?” he manages, quiet.

“Rin is at the hospital,” Makoto says, and for the first time in a long time his voice doesn’t hold any malice when he says Rin’s name. “His family and Sousuke are waiting to hear from the doctor now. They’ve promised to call everyone when they have news.”

“Everyone?” Haruka repeats, confused.

“Nagisa and Rei and I, and you, of course,” Makoto explains. “Nagisa wanted to go over and wait with them, but then you disappeared, and we’ve all been out searching for you since.”

“I’m sorry,” Haruka says, feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes. “Makoto, I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize,” Makoto says, his voice soft and gentle and everything it should be, everything Haruka has missed hearing from him. “Just tell me where you are, Haru. We’ll come get you, and we can work everything out once you’re back and safe. I promise, we can work everything out.”

A rebellious tear trickles its way down Haruka’s cheek. He sniffs, shakes his head and swallows thickly. “I’m at home,” he says in a whisper, staring down at the glass surrounding him.

“Okay,” Makoto says, and something tells Haruka that he knows exactly where “home” is, despite the fact that he hasn’t lived there in over three months. “Okay, Haru. Hang tight. We’ll be there as soon as possible.”

“Thank you,” Haruka says, fighting back tears until the line clicks dead. Then he buries his face in his stinging, battered hands and cries, and quietly begs the universe to turn his luck around, because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if it takes Rin away from him again.


	8. September

It’s the longest night of Haruka’s life.

He barely sleeps, too jittery and anxious to lie down. His hands sting and throb despite Makoto’s best attempts at fixing them up, wrapped in white gauzy bandages that remind him of the ones he’d had all those months ago, when he’d first broken that mirror back at Samezuka. His phone sits on the floor next to his futon, silent, the screen dark. It hasn’t rung since Nagisa had called a few minutes after Makoto, which has him biting his lip in anticipation. He wishes that the doctors would hurry up and decide what condition Rin is in so Gou can finally call him like she’d promised to.

He dozes off a few times, but he doesn’t dream. Once again his unconscious mind has blanked, like it did back when Rin left him alone, as if there’s nothing it could conjure that would be worse than what he’s already been through.

It’s the sound of his phone vibrating against Makoto’s wooden floor that jolts him out of his half-asleep state. He snaps to attention, his hand reaching out to answer the call as fast as he can. Early morning light filters through the window as he flips the phone open and presses it to his ear, distantly aware of Makoto stirring in the bed next to him.

“Hello?” he croaks, voice hoarse and strained. His throat still hurts from the events of the night before, and his hands sting with every move he makes, but he pushes the pain out of his mind in favor of taking in Gou’s every word.

“Haruka-senpai,” she says, her voice only slightly steadier than it had been the last time they’d spoken. “Onii-chan is awake.”

“How is he?” Haruka demands, fingers curling tighter around his phone. “Is he going to be okay?”

“Yes,” Gou promises, relief clear in her voice. “The doctors say we can go in and visit him now, too. Mom’s already with him, but I stepped out for a second to call you.”

Her words bring a wave of comfort down on him, but it does little to relieve the guilt that’s made itself at home in his heart. Rin is alright, but who knows what kind of minor damage Haruka might have caused?

“Haruka-senpai?” Gou says, questioning. “How soon can you be here?”

“I don’t know,” Haruka says, his eyes dropping to the ground as his heart squeezes in his chest. “Does he even want me there? After I…”

“Of course he does,” Gou answers matter-of-factly. “He’s been asking for you ever since he woke up.”

Somehow, Haruka doesn’t know if that makes him feel better or worse.

“We can go now,” a voice next to him says, and then Makoto is sinking onto the floor beside him and gently prying the phone from Haruka’s death grip. “Maybe ten, fifteen minutes? Is that alright?”

Haruka can’t hear the answer, but from the way Makoto stands and goes to his closet, he assumes it must be okay for them to visit. He grabs the edge of Makoto’s bedside table and uses it to hoist himself into a standing position, reaching for a pair of Makoto’s old jeans lying across his desk chair. (After the fire Makoto and Rei had scrounged together some old clothes for him to wear until he’d gotten new ones, and he hasn’t bothered to go clothes shopping yet.) He also takes one of Rin’s old long-sleeved shirts that he’d borrowed a few days before the festival and pulls it over his head, taking a second to relax into its faded softness before he opens his eyes again. Makoto is standing by the doorway, phone in hand, probably sending a message to Gou. He looks up and catches Haruka’s eye, and an old, soft, familiar smile crosses his face.

“Ready to go, Haru-chan?” he asks gently, tilting his head towards the door. And despite the guilt and fear and anxiety eating away at him from the inside, Haruka finds himself nodding.

And at last he understands why Rin came back, after doing something so terrible all those years ago. To try again. To fix everything he’d broken.

To get a second chance.

* * *

“Haru-chan, over here!”

Haruka turns away from the front desk, where the workers are speaking with Makoto, eyes widening as he sees Nagisa and Rei standing in the middle of the waiting area, with Yamazaki in a chair a couple of feet away from them. None of them look like they got much sleep, although he can’t exactly claim that he’s been faring better.

“It’s good to see you, Haruka-senpai,” Rei says with a smile as Haruka makes his way over to them. “You gave us quite a scare.”

“I’m sorry,” Haruka says, bowing his head. He hadn’t meant to alarm his friends--it hadn’t even crossed his mind that that he might have been doing it. All of his attention had been focused on Rin yet again. He was selfish.

“Don’t be sorry, Haru-chan!” Nagisa protests, popping up into his field of vision. “We’re just glad that you’re safe.”

“Honestly,” Yamazaki sighs from the corner, shaking his head in exasperation. “I never thought I’d see the day you acted more melodramatically than Rin did, and yet here we are. You two really rub off on each other, you know.”

Haruka huffs, turning away to look down the hall. Yamazaki’s words aren’t exactly what he’d call kind, but they’re the closest thing to it that he’d expect, and for now that’s okay.

“Haru-chan,” Makoto says, approaching the group from the front desk. “They say you can go in and see him now.”

“Good luck, Haru-chan!” Nagisa calls, back to his usual chipper self.

“We’ll join you two in a little bit,” Rei adds, reaching up to adjust his glasses.

“Yeah,” Makoto says, soft. “All of us.”

Haruka nods, heart thumping in his chest as he takes step after step down the hall. A voice in the back of his mind tells him that he shouldn’t be there, doesn’t  _ deserve _ to be there, and yet he keeps walking towards Rin’s room. Rin had been asking for him, after all, and even if he just wants him there to throw blame, Haruka is still intent on showing up. It’s the least he can do to abide by Rin’s wishes.

The door opens with a soft click, swinging wide to reveal two hospital beds. The closest one is empty, the sheets pulled up and tucked under the mattress, but Haruka’s attention is immediately drawn to the figure on the other bed. Rin is lying there, bruised and bandaged and  _ alive _ , and the moment their eyes meet he feels a pang of something bittersweet in his chest.

He takes a second to take inventory of all of Rin’s injuries; one of his legs is wrapped in a stiff, hard cast, and he has bandages around his chest that peek out from the front of his hospital dress as well as one wrapped around his head to hold a piece of gauze in place. There are dark bruises along his arms and two of his fingers are set in splints, but he’s still here, and right now that’s all Haruka could ask for.

He crosses the room in a few quick strides, gently picking up Rin’s hand and moving it to lay across his stomach before leaning on the side of the hospital bed. Rin smiles up at him, warm and loving and everything he doesn’t deserve, before his eyes come to land on the bandages on Haruka’s fists.

“What happened to your hands?” he asks, his voice even raspier than Haruka’s. He feels his lips curve up into a sad smile, exasperated. Of course the first thing Rin does after waking up from a car crash is worry about him. He hasn’t even asked about his own injuries yet, even though he must be in unimaginable pain. Tears well up in the corners of Haruka’s eyes at the thought, and though he tries to look away, Rin catches him before he can.

“Hey,” he says quietly, concern evident in his voice. “Hey, don’t cry, Haru. What’s wrong?”

“I almost got you killed,” Haruka sniffs, letting out a shaky breath as a few wet droplets roll down his cheek. “You almost  _ died _ because of me…”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Rin says automatically, reaching up to smooth his hand over Haruka’s cheek. “Hey, Haru, look at me. Come on.”

“I’m sorry,” Haruka sobs, shaking his head. He can’t look at Rin, not after what he’s done. Not after all the pain he’s cause him, his family, and his friends. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive me, please don’t hate me,  _ please, Rin _ .”

“Of course I don’t hate you!” Rin cries, the sound of hospital sheets rustling filling the room as he moves his hands to cup Haruka’s cheeks.

“But I’m awful,” Haruka chokes out, torn between leaning into the comforting touch and pulling away. “I’m  _ awful _ .”

“ _ I’m _ awful,” Rin says, thumbing away a few stray tears. “I did something awful a long time ago, and now I’m paying the price. What happened wasn’t your fault, Haru. You’re not like me. You didn’t choose to hurt me, did you? You didn’t do anything wrong. Please stop crying, Haru, everything’s okay now.”

“Okay?” Haruka repeats disbelievingly. “You’re in a  _ hospital _ , Rin. How can that possibly be okay?”

“Because I’m here with you,” Rin says, eyes going soft. “That’s why.”

Haruka sniffs miserably, tears building in the corners of his eyes once again. He doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve Rin, not when he’s been so selfish and terrible. No matter what Rin says, no matter what anyone says, he knows that it’s true. He chose Rin over his friends; the two of them drove a stake into their relationships with the others, and now karma is back to get them. And if Rin is willing to accept him for what he is, after what he’s done, then…

Haruka doesn’t know what else he could ask for.

“I love you,” he says suddenly, tearfully, lifting his head to look Rin in the eyes. He hadn’t planned to say it, but after what they’d gone through in the last twenty-four hours, it feels safest to tell him before anything else happens that could take them away from each other.

Rin stares up at him, expression full of sorrow. “Haru…” he starts, pained.

“I know it’s a lot,” Haruka continues stuffily, shaking his head quickly and sniffing. “I know it’s early. So you don’t have to say it back. But I wanted you to know that I… I love you so much I don’t think I could live without you.”

“Don’t say that,” Rin whispers, one hand traveling around to cup the back of Haruka’s neck. “Please don’t say that.”

“You don’t need to feel the same way,” Haruka interrupts, even though he feels as if his heart is breaking with every second that passes. “It’s okay if you don’t. I just wanted you to know.”

Rin winces, and for a second Haruka wonders if he should call one of the nurses in, but then Rin is shaking his head and closing his eyes, and he thinks  _ Oh. It’s not physical pain. _

“You think I don’t love you?” Rin asks, opening his eyes ever so slightly. “You think I don’t need you? Of course I do. Of  _ course _ I do. But I don’t want that love to hurt you more than it already has.”

Haruka blinks, confused. “What?” he asks, eyebrows drawing together. Because Rin’s love might bring him pain at times, but the good outweighs the bad tenfold, more than enough to be worth it.

“I want to be with you,” Rin explains, although he still looks troubled. “But I want to do it right. I don’t want you to panic every time I leave you anymore. I don’t want to come between you and your friends, and I don’t want you to feel like you need me to keep going on. I want to be with you because of everything I love about you, not because of everything I regret. I want to love you the right way. Do you think we could do that?”

Haruka feels tears building in the corners of his eyes for the thousandth time that day. “We can try,” he manages with a shaky nod, lifting Rin’s hand to his lips and pressing a kiss to one of the bruises along his knuckles.

The sound of footsteps approaching breaks them out of their bubble and brings them back to reality. Haruka turns towards the door as Nagisa appears, followed quickly by Rei, then Yamazaki, and lastly Makoto.

“You guys came,” Rin says, his voice still slightly scratchy.

“Of course we did, Rin-chan!” Nagisa cries, darting to the other side of Rin’s bed. “We’re your friends, after all!”

“Who else is gonna keep you from doing something else life threatening?” Yamazaki teases, his lips curling up into a smile Haruka can’t bring himself to resent. “We’re all here for you, Rin.”

“Thanks, Sousuke,” Rin says with a huff, smiling.

“It’s a relief to see that you’re doing well,” Rei says politely, as if he doesn’t know quite how he fits into the scene. “I would have brought a gift, but I was out late looking for Haruka-senpai and didn’t think ahead. I apologize.”

“You can drop the formalities, Rei,” Rin tells him warmly, tilting his head to the side. “Like Nagisa said, we’re all friends here.”

“Thank you, Rin-chan-san,” Rei says with a bow, and everyone bursts into chuckles. It’s strange, to be around so much laughter after years of stoic silence, and Haruka finds that it’s not an unwelcome change in the slightest. He doesn’t laugh, but he finds himself smiling, real, true happiness blooming in his chest for the first time in a long time.

“Rin,” Makoto interrupts, breaking through the laughter in the room. Haruka falls silent, turning to his friend with wide eyes as they wait for what’s to come. Makoto looks around the room unsurely, eyes darting between Nagisa and Haruka and Rei before finally coming to settle back on Rin’s face.

“I’m… glad you’re okay,” he says at last, and even though he still sounds tense and guarded, even though he doesn’t offer anything past those few words, Haruka finds himself sighing in relief. It’s not a perfect resolution to the worse chapters of their relationship, but it’s a start, and that’s more than any of them could have hoped for.

“Thank you, Makoto,” Rin says, and his voice carries more meaning than the words imply.

“Of course,” Makoto says, understanding.

_ This is enough, _ Haruka thinks, reaching over to take Rin’s hand as he looks around the room, at each of his friends’ faces, together in the same place. At Nagisa, back to his bright, happy self; Rei, finally fully understanding and accepting of his friends’ past; Makoto, with the smallest of smiles on his face; Sousuke, happy to see his friend safe and alive; and Rin, looking closer to his old self than Haruka has seen him in years.

_ This is more than enough. _

* * *

September rolls around, and with it, the start of the second term of school. Makoto has the foresight to make Haruka take his usual bath the night before instead of the morning of, which Haruka reluctantly agrees to. For once he’s actually looking forward to school, although it would be nice to soak in the bathtub for a few hours beforehand.

Putting on his school uniform is a strange experience after a summer of borrowed clothes. It feels like so much has happened over the past few weeks, nevermind the last few months since Rin came back, and he’s actually glad to have a schedule back in place and a uniform to put on every morning.

“Haru!” Makoto calls from downstairs, where he’s finishing packing their lunches. “Are you almost ready to go? Rin’s gonna be here any minute now!”

“I’m coming,” Haruka says, probably too quiet to hear. He grabs his bag from the floor next to the futon he’s come to regard as his own more and more as the weeks have passed. It’ll be strange when his parents finally come back to Iwatobi next week and he’ll have to move out of the Tachibana’s house, especially after all these months. (They’d called a few days after Rin had been discharged from the hospital with a promise to go house hunting with him as soon as they could. He’s already planning out what his new room will look like, which of Nagisa’s old photos he’ll put up on the wall above his bed.) Then again, he’ll be glad to be out of Makoto’s parents’ hair, even if he’ll still come over every now and then.

He takes the stairs carefully, meeting Makoto by the front door just as he’s slipping on his shoes. “Here, Haru-chan,” he says with a smile, holding up a lunchbox. “It’s your favorite.”

“Thanks, Makoto” Haruka says, slipping the box into his school bag. “Is Rin here yet?”

“Not yet. We can wait for him outside.”

Haruka nods, following his friend out to the porch quickly. It’s cool out, but the sun shines brightly in the sky. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, feeling the wind on his face and rays of sun shining on his skin. It’s good to relax, good to let his guard down every so often and remember that everything will be okay in the end, luck be damned.

He opens his eyes just in time to see Rin pull himself up the last few steps leading to Makoto’s house. He feels a familiar pang of guilt as he watches Rin struggle with his crutches as he steps onto even land, but he doesn’t let himself fall too far into it. He and Rin are both getting better at that; they don’t erase their mistakes, but they don’t wallow in them, either. Sometimes it’s hard--sometimes Haruka will see the cast or the crutches or the bandages and all he can think is  _ I did that. I hurt him like that. _ Sometimes Rin will go quiet, and Haruka knows he’s thinking about what he’d done to them all those years ago. But somehow, their guilt has helped them understand each other, made Haruka understand why Rin can’t forgive himself no matter how many times everyone else does, and made Rin understand why Haruka still loves him through thick and thin. They understand each other, they love each other, and they’re getting better, slowly but surely.

Makoto, too, is making progress with accepting Rin back into their lives. Haruka thinks that the crash might have scared him into realizing that maybe he doesn’t want Rin to leave them alone again, since they’ve gotten along better and better ever since that day at the hospital. It makes him happy to see his two best friends getting along again, especially because he wasn’t sure if he’d ever have the chance to see them like this. And of course, Nagisa and Rei are more than happy that everyone is getting along again, for real this time.

“Haru, are you coming?” Rin calls with a smile, raising an eyebrow at him. “We’re gonna be late if you don’t stop zoning out.”

“Coming,” Haruka calls, shaking himself out of his thoughts and making his way towards the other two. Rin leans down to kiss him on the cheek as he approaches, and Haruka turns his face to the side and returns the gesture quickly before pulling away.

“Ready?” Makoto asks, tilting his head in the direction of the school. Haruka follows him wordlessly, wishing Rin’s leg would hurry up and heal so that they can hold hands as they walk again.

“So,” Rin starts as they make their way down the stairs. “I was thinking… Do you guys have any room for another butterfly swimmer in the club?”

“You want to swim with us?” Makoto asks, his eyes widening for a second.

“If you’ll let me. And once my leg heals, of course.” Rin glances between the two of them hopefully, as if there’s any doubt they’d say yes.

“Of course, Rin,” Makoto agrees, smiling. “There’s always room for you on our team.”

“Good,” Rin says, then turns his attention to Haruka. “I believe  _ somebody _ still owes me a race, anyway.”

“That was five years ago,” Haruka protests, even though he’s sure it won’t do any good.

“Then it’s long overdue, don’t you think?”

Haruka shakes his head, huffing fondly. “Fine,” he agrees with a soft smile. “But only if you enter the next relay with us, okay?”

“Okay,” Rin promises, soft and loving. “I will.”

Happiness wells up in Haruka’s heart, and surprisingly, he feels tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He’s going to swim with Rin again. Rin is back, and he’s here, and he’s okay, and they’re going to get to swim together again. And Makoto and Nagisa and Rei are still here, too. His friends, the ones that have stood by him through his ups and downs and everything in between, are still here despite everything they’ve been through together. They’re all here, and they’re all going to be okay together, no matter what. He knows this for sure now, believes it with all his heart, because after everything bad that’s happened over the past few months, it’s high time for the universe to send some good luck their way.

“Haru-chan?” Makoto asks, stopping as Haruka reaches up to rub his sleeve across his cheek, wiping away a few stray tears. “Are you okay?”

“Haru?” Rin says, alarmed. “Hey, don’t cry! What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Nothing,” Haruka says, shaking his head and wiping at his eyes with the heel of his hand. A smile breaks out across his face, even as tears continue to roll down the sides of his face and collect at the point of his chin. “I’m just… happy.”

And for once, he really, really is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This was a really fun and interesting fic to write, and I really like the way it turned out. I hope you enjoyed it as well!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I liked writing it. Feel free to leave a comment if you did!  
> [My Tumblr](https://djbunn3.tumblr.com/%22)


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